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12:43 p.m.Tuesday, February 26, 2008

10:02 a.m.Monday, October 29, 2007

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents, beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

07:57 a.m.Friday, September 7, 2007
As you may or may not know, Spanky is a long-haul truck driver. He's been on the road since May and hasn't been home in a month, even for a visit! I'm tired of missing my husband - so I'm "taking the plunge!" I quit my job, and I'm going trucking with Spank!

He's coming through on Monday night to pick up me and the doggies. We’ll be driving around until the middle of October when we go to PA for a Shooter concert, then be on the road til Thanksgiving, then again til Christmas.

We’re moving our home base from sunny SoCal to Pottstown, PA sometime around the beginning of January. We will have a laptop on the truck, and I’ll be updating my blog and myspace and sending out regular emails. My contact info is below – please keep in touch! I’m afraid I may get bored just riding in a truck for the next couple of years…But, then again; I get to see the country and spend a lot of time with my fabulous husband!

Don't be strangers!


08:07 a.m.Thursday, August 16, 2007
30 years ago today the King died. And yes, I'm in black today. RIP Elvis........or is he still kicking?

04:45 p.m.Monday, July 9, 2007
Three years today since John passed away. Like I said last year, I thought it might get easier - but it doesn't. I miss you, John. I wish you were here to be a part of everything that's gone on since you've been gone. I love you, brother.

08:31 a.m.Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Spank came home last week. He stayed through this morning. That's why there have been no real updates on this blog - because I've had better things to do with my time. :)

But, he left again this morning. I don't know when he'll be back. I'm sad. For sure I'll see him in Philadelphia next month. Matt Amey - that brilliant artist that tattooed my Elvis & Marylin - is having a book release party July 20th in Philly. I'm going to be there - more importantly, Spank will be there. I'm hoping he gets home at least once before then - but we'll see.

In other news, phase one of my HR project went live with no surprises or complications. Thank God for small miracles. Phase two should be live in less than a month. Phases three & four in September; five in October; six in November. December will be for maintenance. Then it will be off to the wild, blue yonder for yours truly. It'll be weird. Other than the two month break I had right before Spank and I got married, I've never been without a job. I wonder if I'll get used to it.

11:53 a.m.Monday, June 18, 2007
This article is fantastic.

09:14 a.m.Friday, June 8, 2007
I slept like shit. I don't like it when Spank is gone. I swear - I've said it before - I'm such a GIRL now! Damnit, how did this happen???? Tonight I'm staying home and chilaxin' because my go-live is this weekend. I either get the system at 9PM tomorrow or 6AM Sunday - and then I've got about 20 hours worth of work to do before production needs to come up on Monday morning at 6. Oh, the joys of implementation! But, to be fair, I DID pick this profession - so my complaints really fall on deaf ears, I think. Still - it makes me feel better to complain.

09:47 a.m.Thursday, June 7, 2007
Spank left this morning. I'm sad. He's going to a company based in Las Vegas - so at least that's a little close to home. But I doubt he'll be back in town before the 4th of July. I guess it's a good thing that I've got a project going live this weeken - gives me something else to focus on.

Tonight will be just me and the dogs in the bed. :( It's gonna be COLD without Spank there! Okay, enough whining and self pity for now. I'm sure I'll have more to come.

01:21 p.m.Wednesday, June 6, 2007
So I told myself I'd only step on the scale once a week - Monday mornings. But I was so discouraged about my 1/2 pound weight loss last week that I decided to do a mid-week check. And, since Monday, I'm down another pound. That makes me feel a little bit better. So right now I'm down 6.5 pounds. Maybe I can make it 7 or 8 by Monday. I'll let you all know.

09:54 a.m.Monday, June 4, 2007
The move went well. Heather & Sanjee helped A LOT! Pretty much everything is in storage except my bed, dresser & TV. And, of course, our clothes. It's kinda weird to be back at my parents again - but it will be nice to spend some time with them before I leave California.

So, it looks like Spank is leaving this week - possibly as early as Wednesday. It's going to suck! But, the agent he's going through is in Las Vegas, so hopefully he'll get home often enough. That said, he probably won't get home until the 4th of July.

In other news, Matt Amey (the tattoo god that did my Elvis & Marilyn) has a book release coming up next month in Philadelphia. I'm going to try my HARDEST to make it out there. Not only will I get to hang out with Matt, party, try and get tattooed, I'll get to see Meria, too!!! It would be a HUGE bonus if Spank was able to get out there, too!

By the way, I told my boss that I think I'll be leaving in December/January. He was less than pleased. BUT - I saw Lisa Palermo yesterday (who is pregnant and due to pop in 13 days!). One of her consultants wants a regular job (non-travel consultant stuff). And guess when he's available? JANUARY!

09:41 a.m.Monday, June 4, 2007
I only last 1/2 pound this week. That sucks. I swear, it's going to be 500 years before I get down to an acceptable weight. I feel blah and ick today. :(

11:11 a.m.Wednesday, May 30, 2007
We're moving out of the Yorba Limda condo.

Here's what happened: Last Thursday while I was cooking dinner, Spank started a bath for me - you know, being all sweet and romantic. Halfway through dinner (we were eating on the patio), Spank BOLTS up and runs inside. About a minute later, I hear, "H-h-honey?" I go inside. There is my husband, barefoot, holding up wet pant legs. "I forgot to turn off the water."

The back half of our condo is flooded. Cest la vie'. We've ripped up the carpet and displaced most of our furniture. Since the place is already on the market, we just decided to pack up all our crap, put it in storage, and crash at my parents' for a while.

This actually works out well, since it looks like Spank is going to go over the road in the next month or so for the busy household season. This way, I won't be alone - and I get to spend some quality time with my parents, before...

I go on the road with Spank in January. Yep, we've decided to just DO IT. He misses it, I could care less about my job. We're selling the condo, the timing is right. SO, beginning in January, you'll be getting updates from the road! I'm sure you'll all be rivetted to your screens. Check back later. I'm out.

11:08 a.m.Monday, May 28, 2007
I'm down five pounds. I know that's good for a week's worth of dieting - but it feels anti-climatic. When I was 350, I could drop 20 pounds in a week. Now, just 5. But, that's okay. I still feel pretty good - and it really isn't that hard. It's certainly easy to decide what to eat - it's all planned out.

03:24 p.m.Tuesday, May 22, 2007
I think I'm turning into a fish. I've had 7 bottles of water today. That is in addition to the 8 ounces that went into my Shake, 8 ounces that went into my soup, and 4 ounces that went into my oatmeal. I don't think it's so much the calorie cuts that make you loose weight - if nothing else, I'm going to PEE the pounds away! Seriously, though - more than half way through day 2, and it's not as hard as I thought it was going to be. We'll see if I'm shouting the same sentiment in a few weeks. Peace out.

09:02 a.m.Tuesday, May 22, 2007
I made it through the first day. I survived. And it wasn't really all that hard. But all I can think about right now is a bean burrito. Apparently, after the first few days, everything sort of settles in. I'll let you know.

12:56 p.m.Monday, May 21, 2007
I’m fat again. Well, not FAT like I was before, but fat like all round and stuff, and certainly not PHAT. I dropped down a total of 175 pounds from my highest weight after I had surgery. I kept that off for about a year. Then I got all happy and married, couple that with quitting smoking – well, I’m up 25 pounds.

This is MASSIVELY unacceptable to me. SO, I started the Medi-Fast program today. It’s basically about 700 calories a day. You mix up these shakes, soups, etc – eat 5 of those a day, then you get to eat one meal (basically just a protein and salad). Pretty much since I had surgery I’ve been saying that it would be a LOT easier to just drink my food – cause eating is a real hassle – Yet I seem to do it really well.

So, it’s about 1 PM on day one. I ate my oatmeal mix, had my mid-morning Cranberry-Orange shake thing, and my freeze dried soy chili. I’ve got a protein bar waiting for my afternoon snack – and looking forward to Tofu & salad when I get home. I really am not so sure I can do this long term. I have been thinking ALL day about how much I’d just really like some French fries or something.

Yeah, it’s official. I’m a crazy person. Anyway, I’ll update y’all (that’s my inner Britney coming out) and we’ll see if I can stick to this. Basically, I just wanna drop the 25 pounds I gained back plus another 25. I’m not sure how fast you’re supposed to lose weight on this plan – but one of their poster-girls lost 170 pounds in 9 months. So, maybe I can do 50 in 6 mos? Updates to follow.

08:41 a.m.Friday, May 18, 2007
Two years ago today. That's when I met Spank. Oh, how things can change in just two short years. Happy Anniversary, Babe!

10:05 a.m.Thursday, May 17, 2007
My little Sarah got a job!!! YAY!!!!!! She's joined the ranks of the gainfully employed - you go girl - and bring home free pizza!

09:07 a.m.Wednesday, May 16, 2007
So I talked to my brother in Ukraine this morning. I found out a lot of stuff that I need some time to process and figure out a solution to. (Yes, I know that sentence was grammatically CRAP.) Basically, Joel is part of a church here in the states that has more than 6,000 members. And he’s got 12 people who support his ministry on a regular basis. 12 – and half of those don’t even attend his church! On top of all that, people send their money through some company that lops off 10% right off the top (maybe they figure that’s his tithe or some shit like that) – so, my little brother is living off of – sometimes – less than $500 a month!

Now, I’m not saying that he should be rolling in it or anything, but seriously, his rent is half of that. And he’s a fucking pastor. So, the rest of his money he spends on food – which any given day he’s got a dozen kids at his house that he cooks for, and misc expenses – toothpaste, personal hygiene, etc. What the hell is this? Christians really piss me off – and yes, I count myself among them. But seriously, people, here you talk all this shit about wanting to “live like Christ” – really? Do you? You would think in a church of 6,000, they’d be able to find 50 people to give $20 a month – skip a lunch, people. That would give him $1000.

Not saying that I’m some great person who only thinks of others – anyone who knows me knows that isn’t true. But, when I talk to my little brother who’s in Russia with no safety net and survived on $450 last month – I get a little pissy. And it’s not like he’s just doing “the Lord’s work.” The pastor part is only a fraction of what he does. They run after-school programs, soup kitchens, social programs. Joel is no saint, but he really does have a passion for these people – he shouldn’t have to worry about being funded when SoCal Christians are getting fat on their $4 cups of coffee six times a day.

More to come – I gotta sort this shit out.

07:31 a.m.Thursday, May 3, 2007
Happy National Day of Prayer.

"Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." -James 1:27

11:28 a.m.Monday, April 30, 2007
This has been on repeat for about 5 hours now. Yeah, I'm not in a good place today.


Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my somach, I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Ive been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
Ive been raising up my hands- drive another nail in
Just what God needs, one more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves
Everyday I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Everyday I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog, beggin for love
Gotta have my sufferingso that I can have my cross
I know a cat named easter, he says will you ever learn
Youre just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird

Ive been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
Ive been raising up my hands- drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start my own religion

Why do we crucify ourselves
Everyday I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Everyday I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Please be
Save me
I cry

Looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
Ive been raising up my hands- drive another nail in
Where are those angels when you need them

Why do we crucify ourselves
Everyday I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Everyday I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains

08:42 a.m.Monday, April 30, 2007
The problem with allowing someone emotional access to you is that they have the ability to emotionally affect you. Likewise, the problem with allowing someone to choose for you is that they have the ability to choose for you.

02:13 p.m.Monday, April 23, 2007
Spank left yesterday for a week. Meria is moving to – well, has already gotten to – Red Hill, Pennsylvania. And Spank is driving all her stuff for her. He left yesterday morning around six – and he’s not coming home until Saturday night.

I think I might die. Since we met, there have only been five nights that I have not spent with Spank – the first four were when I had to got o Florida for a conference – and I was pretty sure I would die then. The fifth night was just a few weeks ago when A & K’s dog got attacked – it was so late by the time we were done dealing with that, so I just stayed at my parents. This is six nights, people. Six nights in a row. I hate it. I slept like shit last night. Every time the house creaked I was sure it was an axe murderer coming in to get me and kill me.

On top of all that – I had some really crazy-ass dreams. In one of them my ex-husband sunk my sister’s houseboat – almost killing my mom, who miraculously survived. My ex then, in my dream, got caught on fire – and died. I think I may have some unresolved issues in my subconscious – you think?

Sarah is staying with me this week – so at least I’m not alone. But seriously, it is SO not the same. My bed is cold and too big without him. God, I am so pathetic. What happened to me? When did I become such a girl? Spank really brought out the bitch in me! Oh, well – I love him, what can I say?

In other news, I have gallstones. I found out this tasty little piece of news because I went in for an ultra-sound because I have an alien baby growing out of the side of my abdomen. Well, okay, it isn’t really an alien baby. But I thought it was. In fact, it is a lipoma – which, apparently, is “a slow-growing, fatty tumor situated between the skin and the muscle layer…a limpoma isn’t cancer and is usually harmless.” That’s nice to know. But it did freak me out – it’s about the size of a ping-pong ball and hangs out just in front of my right pelvic bone.

But, back to the gall stones: apparently I have a dozen or so. Just having them really isn’t a problem, according to the doc. But, they can become a problem. If I start having bad pain in the upper right quadrant of my abdomen after eating – particularly after eating fatty foods, then I should call the doctor. Yes, I know this. Ask me why. Come on, ask me. Yes, I know this because my father had gallstones. Gallstones are what caused my father’s major ten year illness and his thousands of surgeries and countless near death experiences. Oh, I am so excited. Maybe, if I’m REALLY lucky – I’ll get more scars and sicknesses – seems like it is my family’s lot in life to suffer. But isn’t that the way it goes? You never get something good without having to pay for it with something shitty.

It’s worth it. If I have to be sick forever to pay for my happiness with Spank – then I gladly pay that price.

11:01 a.m.Thursday, April 19, 2007
With all the press around the Virginia Tech massacre (and rightly so it should be covered), a major landmark case has not been given the attention that I thought it would command. This week, the Supreme Court voted to uphold the ban on partial birth abortions.

Now, I know that I'm not extremely popular on the topic of abortion. If you know me, you know that basically, I feel like this: I don't know when life begins; therefore, ending a pregnancy at any time is a possible act of murder - if life begins, say, at conception. So, personally, I'll err on the side of caution. However, I think that most people will agree with me - that partial birth abortion is abhorrent and should never be allowed.

It is exactly what it sounds like. A live baby is delivered, feet-first, through the birth canal all the way up to the head. At this point, the doctor thrusts scissors into the brain at the base of the skull. The doctor then proceeds to make scrambled eggs out of the child's brain. Once dead, the child is then delivered the rest of the way - and discarded.

It is not often that I agree with the ruling parties, or the decisions made by our legistlature. However, in this case, BRAVO. At least for now, we've put a legal stop to a disgusting practice.

09:48 a.m.Wednesday, April 18, 2007
From the lovely Miss Heather:

‘6 Phases of a Project’

1. Enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Panic
4. Search for the guilty
5. Punishment of the innocent
6. Praise and honors for the non-participants

Isn't it the truth???

11:07 a.m.Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Quote of the Day

"...my personal beliefs about religion and how it oppresses the things I enjoy the most. Unfortunately, the simplest things, such as thinking for myself, creating my own reality and being whatever the hell I want to be each day of my life, are a sin. To be a good Christian basically means to give up the reigns of your life and let some unseen force do it for you." -Brandon Boyd

10:19 a.m.Thursday, April 5, 2007
I never write here anymore. But I think I'm going crazy. I have the best life - I have a fantastic husband, great friends, wonderful family, good job that I actually like, and yet, I totally identify with the lyrics of this song. I think I lost my mind long ago. Or maybe I just don't know how to be happy.

Lithium lyrics

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.

Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go.

Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, ...stay in love with my sorrow.
I'm gonna let it go.

03:47 p.m.Thursday, April 27, 2006
I love my friends. One of them blogged today about being a Born Again Christian - she read that it meant "never growing up." WOW - that's one I'm going to ponder and write about later in the week.

10:50 a.m.Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Happy Birthday, Laliland!!!! Hope you're not getting too many Afghan dust bunnies in your anus!

08:08 a.m.Tuesday, April 18, 2006
It has been WAY too long. My life gets so busy and cluttered that I forget to stop and write – to even stop and think for that matter. So many things have been happening in my life. I guess I’ll just post the highlights for you. I went to Korea – well, the whole family went – for my sister’s wedding. We landed on the 2nd, were leaving on the 9th – had a whole list of things to do and see. Then life crashed. My dad got sick there. He went into what is called a hepatic coma – which is basically liver failure. So, we all were posted at the hospital – pretty much except for the wedding – we were at the hospital or sleeping at the hotel. It freaked me out. It brought me back a dozen years to the first time I spent nights by my father’s side in the ICU. But this was worse – he didn’t know he was there. And no one could speak English to even tell me what was going on. He woke up on Friday. Even then though, he didn’t know where he was or why he was there – though he did know who I was. Thank God for small blessings. With him being awake, we felt like we could leave – my mom and Joel stayed in Korea with him.

So we left, and 14 hours later we were home. My task, as it always is with my family in crisis, was to organize everything and keep it in order – including paying my parent’s bills. Let me tell you that balancing my father’s checkbook and opening his mail was very WEIRD. I felt like I was violating them in some way – but, no matter, it needed to get done. So, finally, he’s well enough to leave. Joel (who had come over from Ukraine to be with my mom in Korea), my mom and my dad arrived back in the states just this past Saturday. And apparently, now, he’s fine. This blood levels are good, he looks good, he’s eating – kindof – and he’s in relatively good spirits. Again, my dad defies all odds and all the doctors who said that he was going to die.

And then there’s me. Of course, when I need to be calm, I am – unwavering. Now that everything’s over – I’m broken out in shingles. Oh, yeah – and I’ve got chicken pox – AGAIN! I thought you could only get them once – but apparently, no, if your first case is mild enough – you can get them again. So I’m sitting in my computer room, blogging, and logged into work because I’m contagious. And my sister’s US wedding is this Saturday. God, I love my life.

08:08 a.m.Tuesday, April 18, 2006
It has been WAY too long. My life gets so busy and cluttered that I forget to stop and write – to even stop and think for that matter. So many things have been happening in my life. I guess I’ll just post the highlights for you. I went to Korea – well, the whole family went – for my sister’s wedding. We landed on the 2nd, were leaving on the 9th – had a whole list of things to do and see. Then life crashed. My dad got sick there. He went into what is called a hepatic coma – which is basically liver failure. So, we all were posted at the hospital – pretty much except for the wedding – we were at the hospital or sleeping at the hotel. It freaked me out. It brought me back a dozen years to the first time I spent nights by my father’s side in the ICU. But this was worse – he didn’t know he was there. And no one could speak English to even tell me what was going on. He woke up on Friday. Even then though, he didn’t know where he was or why he was there – though he did know who I was. Thank God for small blessings. With him being awake, we felt like we could leave – my mom and Joel stayed in Korea with him.

So we left, and 14 hours later we were home. My task, as it always is with my family in crisis, was to organize everything and keep it in order – including paying my parent’s bills. Let me tell you that balancing my father’s checkbook and opening his mail was very WEIRD. I felt like I was violating them in some way – but, no matter, it needed to get done. So, finally, he’s well enough to leave. Joel (who had come over from Ukraine to be with my mom in Korea), my mom and my dad arrived back in the states just this past Saturday. And apparently, now, he’s fine. This blood levels are good, he looks good, he’s eating – kindof – and he’s in relatively good spirits. Again, my dad defies all odds and all the doctors who said that he was going to die.

And then there’s me. Of course, when I need to be calm, I am – unwavering. Now that everything’s over – I’m broken out in shingles. Oh, yeah – and I’ve got chicken pox – AGAIN! I thought you could only get them once – but apparently, no, if your first case is mild enough – you can get them again. So I’m sitting in my computer room, blogging, and logged into work because I’m contagious. And my sister’s US wedding is this Saturday. God, I love my life.

09:32 a.m.Tuesday, January 24, 2006
ABC's of Me! (Courtesy of The Melting Jar)
[A is for age:] I turned 31 in October.
[B is for booze of choice:] Red Headed Slut – quite possibly the best mixed drink ever!
[C is for career:] HRIS – yeah, if you don’t know what it is, it’s REALLY hard to explain.
[D is for your dog's name:] Otis, the Wonder Dog!
[E is for essential items you use everyday:] Toothbrush, deodorant, soap, makeup, glasses, computer, my car.
[F is for favorite song(s) at the moment:] The whole Matisyahu CD – every song is my favorite.
[G is for favorite games:] Gin Rummy – ALL TIME!
[H is for hometown:] The OC – nothing like the show.
[I is for instruments you play:] The piano – badly.
[J is for jam or jelly you like:] STRAWBERRY!
[K is for kids:] Don’t have any, but someday…….
[L is for last kiss:] Spank – this morning before he left for work.
[M is for most admired trait:] I’m sure it’s my stunning beauty or my electric personality!
[N is for name of your crush:] Spanky!
[O is for overnight hospital stays:] A couple times for my guts in my 20’s, 3 weeks at 29 for gastric bypass surgery.
[P is for phobias:] Just the dark.
[Q is for quotes you like:] “Titles are a weapon of the power elite.” I can’t remember who said it, but I’ve always liked it.
[R is for biggest regret:] Kissing Ryan Blank when I was 19. Lost a good friend.
[S is for sweets of your choice:] Mike & Ikes.
[T is for time you wake up:] Depends on when Spank goes to work – usually between 5:30 and 6:30.
[U is for underwear:] Don’t wear ‘em.
[V is for vegetables you love:] SOY BEANS! And every other vegetable on the planet – except beets, I’m not really into beets.
[X is for x-rays you've had:] What haven’t I had?
[Y is for yummy food you make:] Great pasta dishes, awesome chicken enchilladas.
[Z is for zodiac sign:] Libra – it’s all about balance, baby!

02:52 p.m.Friday, January 20, 2006
If it's on Quizilla, you know it must be scientific. So, just so you all know, apparently, I'm gay. Sorry, Spank.

Are you really straight, bi, or gay? (anime pics)

brought to you by Quizilla

12:49 p.m.Friday, December 30, 2005
I read something interesting today, a bit profound:

Sterility - Order bled of purpose.
Power - Meaning stripped of grace.

03:20 p.m.Tuesday, December 20, 2005
You scored as Summer. You are SUMMER. Life is to be -lived-.. dance, sing, and make merry. Adversity is simply something to overcome. You embrace life with both arms, not only because you love it, but to squeeze out of it all that you can.









What Season Are You?
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10:28 a.m.Wednesday, December 14, 2005
So I’m a bad blogger. I admit this. I know it. Does the “I’ve been SO busy” excuse work here? Yeah, didn’t think so. Well, what’s going on in my life? Same old, same old. Thanksgiving came and went – it was nice, spent a lot of time with the family. Meria & Randall came up from San Deigo to join the festivities. All in all, relaxing and enjoyable. Christmas is coming up FAST! Thank God we’re just about done shopping.

So, beginning next week, here’s the run-down: Brandi, Alexis & Rita (that would be my sister-in-law, niece and mother-in-law, respectively) arrive in 7 days – Wednesday night, to be exact. They’ll be here through the following Monday afternoon. I am SO excited to have my whole family together – I have been blessed and SO lucky to have a wonderful mother-in-law. No wonder Spanky turned out so fantastically – that woman is amazing. (As an aside, really I’ve always been lucky in this department as Anthony’s mom is also wonderful – and a saint – just too bad her son is such a waste of space. Anyway, I digress…) As luck would have it, Miss Nina needed someone to house/dog-sit for her from Wednesday through Monday – and she just happens to have a 3 bedroom house. Go figure! So, we won’t all have to endure the holiday togetherness at the house of my parents – where Spanky and I currently reside.

I cannot tell you how difficult it is for me to keep Spanky’s presents a secret until Christmas. I may end up with an aneurism. It’s true – I read it somewhere that you can pop a blood vessel in your brain from Christmas-present-secret-keeping. Seriously. It’s happened. And, if I should expire from this horrible ailment, Heather – please love Otis as your own. Anyway, while the family is here, we’ve got a VERY full schedule – going to Hollywood, Jason’s house for a party, Christmas Eve & Day with my parents, LOTS of gift-giving.

Company leaves on the 27th, still debating on New Year’s Eve festivities, but it looks like “Karye & Autumn’s Bi-Sexual, Bi-Annual, Bi-Happy New Year’s Eve Party” is going to be a reality. We’ll just be recovering from all that fun when what should happen???? Body Art Expo in Pomona – January 6, 7 & 8!!! Matt Amey is coming in – he’s the fabulous artist who’s done my Elvis and my 1940 Chevy Deluxe, not to mention the Fudog on Spank’s leg. Some more work coming up – BRING ON THE PAIN!

Did I say anything about Spank’s Cadillac yet? He bought this HIDEOUS ’69 Cadillac Coupe de Ville. It’s rust and primer. I hate it. But he loves it – I figure a good 2 years before it’s in cherry condition. Well, that’s about all the update I have for today. See you soon, faithful readers.

11:25 a.m.Wednesday, December 7, 2005
I made some changes to my picture pages - check out the link to the left and tell me what you think!

09:38 a.m.Wednesday, November 30, 2005
I saw this cute weight tracker - WOW - I'm SMALL!

11:18 a.m.Thursday, November 24, 2005
Happy Tofurky Day!!! I can't even begin to list the things for which I'm thankful. Just wanted to wish everyone a safe and happy holiday.

11:21 a.m.Tuesday, November 1, 2005
I have a cold. I think it’s bird flu. Kevin & Bean said this morning that bird flu had reached Canada. I was in Florida last week and there was a girl at my conference who was from Canada. She breathed on me. So, for sure I have bird flu.

Seriously, I feel like shit. I want to curl up in a ball and die for a while. Won’t happen, though. Must work….Happy Halloween a day late to all my readers. I’ll update you on my Florida trip a little later in the week – when I feel a little less like dying. Ciao!

03:12 p.m.Monday, October 24, 2005
So, tomorrow is the day. I will FINALLY have visited all 50 states in the union. I’m going to Florida tomorrow morning. Not to worry, I’m going to Orlando, which is far out of the hurricane territory. I’ll be attending an Oracle conference for the next four days. You know, this is the first time that Spank and I will be away from each other since we met. How crazy is that? It occurred to me yesterday that were I still with Anthony, I’d be EXSTATIC to get away and have a few days of peace. But, I’m just more than a little sad that I won’t be with Spank for those days. It’s three nights of sleeping without my husband in a cold bed, readers! Do you understand this???? I’ll survive. But I may have depressing blog entries for you to read. Ciao!

03:10 p.m.Monday, October 24, 2005
I ask myself daily. Do you KNOW how incredibly lucky you are? I like to think that I do, but I probably don’t really KNOW it yet. Today it’s drama. All of my friends who are in relationships/marriages all have drama – in some form or another. All the time – something is going on - …so-and-so does this and I hate it…..we have these “issues”….etc. Spank and I have NO DRAMA. Not a bit. No issues. No fights. No arguments. Nothing. We’ve never had a fight, we’ve never had a night of going to bed angry, we don’t stress each other. Yes, I know how lucky I am. Damn, I’m lucky.

01:22 p.m.Wednesday, October 12, 2005
So, I’ve really neglected putting anything of substance up on this blog lately. It’s just that I’ve been so incredibly busy! I know, excuses, excuses. Well, here’s what has been going on:

First and foremost, my 31st birthday is Saturday. YAY ME! For my birthday, we (Spank, Otis & I) are going back east. Here’s the itinerary: We fly out of LAX tonight, land in Baltimore early in the morning. Then we’re driving down to Pottstown, PA to see Danielle and Tatoo-Rob. But, we’re going directly to our hotel to SLEEP! Thursday evening, Tattoo-Rob is going to tattoo Spank’s leg and then we’re going out!!! Friday morning we take off for Salisbury, MD to stay with Spank’s mom. Saturday we’re driving over to Independent Tattoo in Delaware so that I can get my next piece (my birthday present), which is a continuation of the sleeve on my right leg – this one’s going to be a portrait of Elvis – Long Live the King. Going out for Japanese Saturday night, coming home Sunday night. Happy birthday to me.

With that out of the way, here’s what we’ve been up to. Aaron & Karrie moved back to CA – SUPERCOOLWONDERFULYAY! They signed us up for a bowling league, so the four of us are on a team and we play other teams – every Friday night from now through March. I suck. I’ll put that out there right now. My average is about 65. But, it’s a handicap league, so I guess it helps that I’m so bad. We’ve been hanging out with them a lot, and that’s cool – because I missed them – and, you know, Aaron and I get along now. Funny how those sibling rivalries kinda fall by the wayside when you grow up.

What I’ve NOT been doing is hanging out with Heather – SAD!!! I miss her!!! But everyone’s been so busy, that we haven’t really had time to hook up. So, first order of business when we get back in town is to spend some quality time with Heather & Sanjee – or I might die.

I’m going to Florida at the end of the month (the 25th through the 28th) for an Oracle conference, thanks to my job – love that. AND when I do that – I will have actually made it to all fifty states in the union! Now I just need to work on the territories…..

There’s just one more piece of news. This may be the most shocking thing of all. I’m still struggling with the reality of it. Spank and I have decided to buy my parents’ house. Which means that we’ll be in OC for a while. It’s strange, because just over six months ago I was loathe to spend another minute here. But, being with Spank makes the plastic fakeness of OC way more than bearable. I think I was searching for something real – and I was sure I wasn’t going to find it in Southern California – I didn’t think it existed. But, then I met Spank – who (as those of you who know him are aware) is the most real person in the world. Somehow he balances OC for me – it’s not as disgusting as it used to be. Now, that doesn’t mean that I won’t freak out in a couple of years and have to move, but, for now, I’m content.

Having said all that, I don’t see myself as some white-picket-fence-soccer-mom, like so many of you have predicted I will become. Maybe a bamboo-fence-punk-rock-tattoo’d-hottie-mom. I could handle that. As long as I don’t have to send my kids to private Christian school, I’ll do okay.

11:21 a.m.Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Time Warp!

You are Colombia (Little Nell)
You are Colombia. You rock in that special way only
the squeaky can.

Which Rocky Horror character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

08:37 a.m.Monday, October 10, 2005
How you like THIS???

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Stability |||||||||| 40%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 80%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 63%
Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 70%
Intellectual |||||||||||| 43%
Mystical |||||||||||||| 56%
Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70%
Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Hedonism |||||||||||||| 56%
Materialism |||||| 23%
Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 63%
Adventurousness |||||||||||| 50%
Work ethic |||||||||||| 50%
Self absorbed |||||||||||| 50%
Conflict seeking |||||| 30%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 70%
Romantic |||||||||||||| 56%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 43%
Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50%
Wealth |||||||||||| 50%
Dependency |||||||||| 36%
Change averse |||||||||||||||| 63%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 63%
Individuality |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Sexuality |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 63%
Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Physical Fitness |||||| 24%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Paranoia |||||||||| 36%
Vanity |||||||||||| 50%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 43%
Female cliche |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

10:48 a.m.Thursday, October 6, 2005
I had to post this JUST FOR SPANKY! All of you who read this blog and know him can laugh right along with him. I work VERY hard at going against the Soccer Mom that I'm apparently destined to become. But, you know, the Audi Wagon he bought me doesn't help curb that image. Do I get points for it being a manual and not an automatic???

Take the quiz:
"What kind of old person will you be?"

Soccer Mom
Oh jees... You're going to be a soccer mom... The women who complain about everything possible because they don't get fucked hard enough... I'm sorry for you.... DOn't worry though, you'll have an active social life with all the other soccer moms but your kids will secretly hate you... but you don't care!

02:58 p.m.Wednesday, October 5, 2005
You are Psalms
You are Psalms.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

11:24 a.m.Friday, September 30, 2005
Ummmm, not ENTIRELY accurate.

Empathy- Your inner power is Empathy! This
means that you have a talent for identifying
others emotions, often by simply glancing at
them. You are EXTREMELY shy and quiet. People
sometimes dont notice youre around and seem
surprised to find out you even exist in a big
class. Youre the often silent, goody two shoes,
and few get passed the walls youve built up to
stop yourself being hurt, as you no doubt have
been in the past. Not everyone understands you,
in fact some think that youre a snob or worse
because you rarely participate in group
activities. Youre extremely sensitive, even the
least harsh of words can hurt you. Only your
very few, closest friends who have earned your
hard-to-get trust know who you really are
inside; a sweet, gentle young woman who is
lonely and so desperately needing friends to
support you. You can get very depressed and not
always know why, despite your power of empathy,
as it seems to only work for people outside
you. Your friends always turn to you when they
need advice or comforting, and in some way you
need to give that helpit makes you feel better
in return to know that youve helped out your
friends. Despite your cold, impassive exterior
and high, seemingly unbreachable walls, inside
you are really a great, intelligent person,
full of compassion and love, if only people
would dare take a chance and try to get through
your tough shell. Never let others get you
down, or change you. You are very special the
way you areeven if you dont have fifty thousand
friends, you are just as, if not more
extraordinary than everyone else. Reach for the
stars, because I dont doubt youll catch hold of
them. Boy/Girl who will sweep you off your feet:
A sweet, shy and romantic man/woman. The kind
of guy/woman you know will never, ever hurt
you, and will love you for ever. The kind of
person who believes in true love, and soul
mates. Your stone: Blue Topaz Your power: Healing. Emotionally,
physically, or spiritually, you heal people
with your words, your actions and presence.
Youre the one that the little children are
always drawn to, because they know youll never
let anything hurt them. Your element: Clairvoyance (The power to
see objects or events that cannot be perceived
by the normal five senses.) A quote that applies to you: "True
beauty shines from the soul and warms the world
with its kindness, compassion , and

What's your inner power? (Girls only sorry. Beautiful anime pictures, lengthy results)
brought to you by Quizilla

02:14 p.m.Thursday, September 29, 2005
I'm going to Korea. I was trying to make it to NZ in the next six months - but Korea is trumping that trip. So here's the deal: Emily got engaged!!! YAYAYAYAY!!! And she and Jay are getting married on April 8th - but the wedding is in Korea - so we're going. I'm really excited about it - aside from Canada and Mexico - I've never been out of the country. And never overseas. This will be a great trip - the whole family is going! Can't wait to see how this all turns out!!!

01:28 p.m.Wednesday, September 21, 2005
OMG - this thing is creepy that it works so well! It doesn't ask for your birthdate or anything - but it knew my age! Damnit - I guess I AM an adult now!!!

You Are 31 Years Old
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

11:33 a.m.Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Okay, so, admitidly I'm really lame today - but I came across this little quizilla type site and I'm having fun being a dork. This one, though - I just HAD to post. It's a porn star name generator - and look at what my name is!!!
Your Porn Star Name is: Tight Cherry

11:29 a.m.Wednesday, September 21, 2005

A is for Articulate
U is for Unforgettable
T is for Tempting
U is for Unusual
M is for Modern
N is for Natural

11:26 a.m.Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Your Personality Profile
You are sexy, powerful, and bold.
You're full of passion and energy...
Sometimes this passion has a dark side.

You feel most alive when you're seducing someone.
You never fail to get someone's attention.
Quick minded, you're also quick to lose your temper!

03:22 p.m.Friday, September 16, 2005
It's John's birthday today. He would be 30. Damn - has it been that long? Two birthdays now have gone by without you. I miss and love you, little brother. I'm going to have a Corona tonight for you.

12:36 p.m.Thursday, September 15, 2005
"Trust God Anyway" That's the message I saw on a bumper sticker this morning at the intersection of Kraemer & Imperial Hwy. Not sure why it should, but it gave me comfort and caused me to smile.

08:58 a.m.Wednesday, September 14, 2005
I got an email from Tess this morning. She and Sam are getting married in February! And guess what??? She wants me to be her maid of honor - how fucking cool is that??? I love this girl - she's awesome. Hmmmm, I've never been in a lesbian wedding - wonder if the ettiquite is all the same?

02:13 p.m.Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Rarely do my sexual practices carry over into my every day life. When they do, I just have to deal with it.

Yeah, mull that one over in your head for a few minutes. So, most of you who know me, might know that I’m a little bit, well, what’s the word? Oh, yeah – A FREAK. I like sex. I like it a lot. I know what I like, and I know what I don’t like. What I like ranges from the vanilla and benign, to the more colorful, bordering on strange. It’s not like I want to be pissed on or anything – don’t involve animals, don’t beat the hell out of me, etc, etc. Basically, here’s my creed: No toilet, no kids, no animals, no major pain – pretty much, anything else goes. These rules rarely fail me. Following these rules generally keeps my sex life and my every day life separate – unless, of course, I bring them together – which is pretty damn rare. You know, it’s not like I want to talk about my sex life with most of the people I see every day – co-workers, the girl at the check-out counter at the grocery store, my PARENTS! But, of course, every once in a while, things happen – and lines blur.

This is precisely what happened on Sunday morning. In my attempt to mask the physical evidence of my sexual activities, I aroused suspicion in my mother. Sunday morning, after an invitation to meet up with my parents and Joel and Karen for lunch – I applied a generous smattering of makeup and went a bit retro by affixing a scarf around my neck. No sooner had everyone left the table that my mother questions me with, “So are you trying to hide a hickey or something?” I try – unsuccessfully – to diffuse the situation. She presses, then notices that there seems to be a fine rash all over my neck and face. She then takes the opportunity to all but accuse my near-perfect husband of inappropriate use of physical force against me. Oh, how quickly she can turn on one she trusts….. In her defense, I know that she is hyper sensitive about me and physical, spousal abuse – with good cause. However – mine and Spank’s room is across the hall – does she REALLY think that we could have had a physical altercation without her knowledge???

Onward. It was at this time that I had to pull my mother aside – “Rarely do my sexual practices carry over into my every day life. When they do, I just have to deal with it.” Never in my life did I imagine a time when I would have occasion to explain auto-erotic asphyxiation to my mother. Especially in reference to myself. However, this is what I found myself doing early Sunday afternoon. Defending myself, my practices and my preferences to my mother – between her objections and looks of disgust. Of more a revelation to her is that this practice – which she most certainly did not pass down to me – is something that I enjoy, and that my husband participates in solely for my sake. Her little girl – innocence long since lost, and she would not try and convince herself otherwise – has descended to a new depth of disgusting behavior. Oh my God! Perhaps she’ll go through my room and find restraints, or a vibrator, or LUBE!!! Surely now I am to be the subject of many a prayer meeting – deliver my daughter from her S&M ways!!!

01:23 p.m.Tuesday, September 13, 2005
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged about anything substantial, and I apologize for that. Today – or at least by tomorrow – you’ll have two blogs of substance. The first: Aaron & Karrie moved back last week. Of course, we’re excited and have been wanting to spend time with them. Bud drove out with them – his first trip to California – and they’re trying to cram all the West Coast experience possible into these few days for him. So, in that spirit, the five of us (Aaron, Karrie, Bud, Spanky and I) went out for sushi Saturday night.

Mind you, I already wasn’t in a good mood. I’d spent most of the day with a friend who is going through a divorce because her husband – of eight years – just “doesn’t love her anymore.” A whole other blog in itself, anyway, I digress. So, I’m in a shitty mood. I don’t want to eat anything, Spank and I drive to dinner in silence – because, of course, if I’m in a shitty mood – I’m going to take it out on the person I love most, right? Make it through dinner, no food, but two glasses of wine later. We offer to let Bud ride with us – let me back up, we were supposed to be going to Howard’s house in Fallbrook after dinner, so in Aaron & Karrie’s truck are Aaron, Karrie, Bud and their three dogs. In our car are me and Spank and Otis. So, Bud rides with us. We’re driving, relaxing, listening to music, chatting, following behind Aaron. Enter evil – stage right.

As we come up to the intersection of First and Fairview, we see a red light. Naturally we stop. This particular intersection is equipped with traffic cameras so that the po-po can catch you running a red light, etc. The cameras flash, I see it out of the corner of my eye. As I turn my head to identify the source of the flash, I see a HUGE F-150 running the light. As the truck lurches forward, I also see it make contact with a motorcycle and it’s rider. Instantly, the cycle is disintegrated. And I see the rider launch through the air – what seemed at least 20 feet and land, helmeted-head-first, face-down on the pavement and slide a good 15 feet more. I’m shocked. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. I can’t think.

My brother’s truck ahead of us takes off! Spanky is quick behind him. We’re speeding down side streets and weaving DANGEROUSLY in and out of traffic! What the hell are we doing? Why aren’t we stopped and helping that poor man??? In my singular focus on the injured man – who, at this point, I was sure had expired – I failed to notice that the F-150 was trying to make a getaway. Aaron & Spanky were not about to let that happen. So, as we’re speeding and careening and almost crashing ourselves, Spanky hands me his phone. “Call 911.” So I did. I’m on the phone with the officer who is trying to tell me that they already have a report of that accident. “No,” I tell him, “You don’t understand! We’re chasing the guy who hit the bike!” So I give him a play by play and fill him in on where we are. At Fifth and Raitt, Aaron gets in front of this asshole and we’re behind and to the side. We’ve got him cornered. A cop car speeds by in front of us – we can’t flag him down. Off we go – Spank’s going to catch him. More 150 MPH speeds on surface streets – until we came to the train tracks – without a doubt, the Audi caught at least four feet of air, and a good 2-3 seconds of hang time. I was terrified. I’m crying. Still on the phone with the police.

Meanwhile, Aaron jumps out of the car and starts chasing this piece of shit – who was trying to get away on foot. Aaron tackles him. The cops show up – Aaron’s a hero. We come back around – jump out of the car. “Is everything okay now?” They take our statements, etc. The entire ordeal lasted all of 8 minutes – felt like 2 hours. So, it’s terrible. But, the guy isn’t dead. He’s alert – battered and in bad shape, but alive. Needless to say, we didn’t make it up to Howard’s. We went home and drank in Aaron’s yard.

Excitement has died down. Monday morning, my phone rings – it’s my mother. I know who that guy is on the motorcycle. Turns out, it’s a guy we know – the son of friends of my parents – close friends, actually. The guy has – and I probably don’t have all the injuries down – a torn aorta, punctured lung, punctured spleen, broken clavicle, broken arm – 3 places, all the ribs on his left side broken, broken pelvis, broken femur, broken lower leg, broken foot. But he’s alive. In and out of surgery in the last couple of days. So, damn. That was my weekend. I’m still fucked up in the head about it.

Aaron & Spanky were thanked by the cops for “doing the right thing.” Even though it was dangerous. Their response was that he’s someone’s son. And, it turns out – the son of someone we know.

10:56 a.m.Tuesday, September 13, 2005
I got this little thing from Parwaiz's blog. Interesting - and a little frightening - how similar we are in our results.

Your Political Profile

Overall: 45% Conservative, 55% Liberal
Social Issues: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal
Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
Fiscal Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
Ethics: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

07:56 a.m.Wednesday, September 7, 2005
As many of you know, over the last 12 months I have lost over 120 pounds. On September 24th I will be participating in the 3rd Annual Walk from Obesity taking place at Orange High School. The nationwide non-competetive event is designed to reduce disability, death and discrimination of people who are obese by educating the public and healthcare professionals about effective treatments.

If you are interested in participating in this event or would like to sponsor me as a participant, please contact me.

Thanks so much!


07:37 a.m.Wednesday, September 7, 2005
I don't fully agree with Michael Moore, nor do I fully agree with Ben Stein. However, I thought, in light of the fact that I posted the open letter to President Bush, I could also post Ben Stein's response to it.

Special Report
Get Off His Back (Updated)
By Ben Stein
Published 9/2/2005 11:59:59 PM
***UPDATED: Sunday, Sept. 4, 2005, 2:13 p.m.***

A few truths, for those who have ears and eyes and care to know the truth:

1.) The hurricane that hit New Orleans and Mississippi and Alabama was an astonishing tragedy. The suffering and loss of life and peace of mind of the residents of those areas is acutely horrifying.

2.) George Bush did not cause the hurricane. Hurricanes have been happening for eons. George Bush did not create them or unleash this one.

3.) George Bush did not make this one worse than others. There have been far worse hurricanes than this before George Bush was born.

4.) There is no overwhelming evidence that global warming exists as a man-made phenomenon. There is no clear-cut evidence that global warming even exists. There is no clear evidence that if it does exist it makes hurricanes more powerful or makes them aim at cities with large numbers of poor people. If global warming is a real phenomenon, which it may well be, it started long before George Bush was inaugurated, and would not have been affected at all by the Kyoto treaty, considering that Kyoto does not cover the world's worst polluters -- China, India, and Brazil. In a word, George Bush had zero to do with causing this hurricane. To speculate otherwise is belief in sorcery.

5.) George Bush had nothing to do with the hurricane contingency plans for New Orleans. Those are drawn up by New Orleans and Louisiana. In any event, the plans were perfectly good: mandatory evacuation. It is in no way at all George Bush's fault that about 20 percent of New Orleans neglected to follow the plan. It is not his fault that many persons in New Orleans were too confused to realize how dangerous the hurricane would be. They were certainly warned. It's not George Bush's fault that there were sick people and old people and people without cars in New Orleans. His job description does not include making sure every adult in America has a car, is in good health, has good sense, and is mobile.

6.) George Bush did not cause gangsters to shoot at rescue helicopters taking people from rooftops, did not make gang bangers rape young girls in the Superdome, did not make looters steal hundreds of weapons, in short make New Orleans into a living hell.

7.) George Bush is the least racist President in mind and soul there has ever been and this is shown in his appointments over and over. To say otherwise is scandalously untrue.

8.) George Bush is rushing every bit of help he can to New Orleans and Mississippi and Alabama as soon as he can. He is not a magician. It takes time to organize huge convoys of food and now they are starting to arrive. That they get in at all considering the lawlessness of the city is a miracle of bravery and organization.

9.) There is not the slightest evidence at all that the war in Iraq has diminished the response of the government to the emergency. To say otherwise is pure slander.

10.) If the energy the news media puts into blaming Bush for an Act of God worsened by stupendous incompetence by the New Orleans city authorities and the malevolence of the criminals of the city were directed to helping the morale of the nation, we would all be a lot better off.

11.) New Orleans is a great city with many great people. It will recover and be greater than ever. Sticking pins into an effigy of George Bush that does not resemble him in the slightest will not speed the process by one day.

12.) The entire episode is a dramatic lesson in the breathtaking callousness of government officials at the ground level. Imagine if Hillary Clinton had gotten her way and they were in charge of your health care.

God bless all of those dear people who are suffering so much, and God bless those helping them, starting with George Bush.

UPDATE: Sunday, Sept. 4, 2005, 2:13 p.m.:

More Mysteries of Katrina:

Why is it that the snipers who shot at emergency rescuers trying to save people in hospitals and shelters are never mentioned except in passing, and Mr. Bush, who is turning over heaven and earth to rescue the victims of the storm, is endlessly vilified?

What church does Rev. Al Sharpton belong to that believes in passing blame and singling out people by race for opprobrium and hate?

What special abilities does the media have for deciding how much blame goes to the federal government as opposed to the city government of New Orleans for the aftereffects of Katrina?

If able-bodied people refuse to obey a mandatory evacuation order for a city, have they not assumed the risk that ill effects will happen to them?

When the city government simply ignores its own sick and hospitalized and elderly people in its evacuation order, is Mr. Bush to blame for that?

Is there any problem in the world that is not Mr. Bush's fault, or have we reverted to a belief in a sort of witchcraft where we credit a mortal man with the ability to create terrifying storms and every other kind of ill wind?

Where did the idea come from that salvation comes from hatred and criticism and mockery instead of love and co-operation?

07:29 a.m.Wednesday, September 7, 2005
This is an open letter to President Bush, courtesy of Michael Moore.

Vacation is Over... an open letter from Michael Moore to George W. Bush

Friday, September 2nd, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush:

Any idea where all our helicopters are? It's Day 5 of Hurricane Katrina and thousands remain stranded in New Orleans and need to be airlifted. Where on earth could you have misplaced all our military choppers? Do you need help finding them? I once lost my car in a Sears parking lot. Man, was that a drag.

Also, any idea where all our national guard soldiers are? We could really use them right now for the type of thing they signed up to do like helping with national disasters. How come they weren't there to begin with?

Last Thursday I was in south Florida and sat outside while the eye of Hurricane Katrina passed over my head. It was only a Category 1 then but it was pretty nasty. Eleven people died and, as of today, there were still homes without power. That night the weatherman said this storm was on its way to New Orleans. That was Thursday! Did anybody tell you? I know you didn't want to interrupt your vacation and I know how you don't like to get bad news. Plus, you had fundraisers to go to and mothers of dead soldiers to ignore and smear. You sure showed her!

I especially like how, the day after the hurricane, instead of flying to Louisiana, you flew to San Diego to party with your business peeps. Don't let people criticize you for this -- after all, the hurricane was over and what the heck could you do, put your finger in the dike?

And don't listen to those who, in the coming days, will reveal how you specifically reduced the Army Corps of Engineers' budget for New Orleans this summer for the third year in a row. You just tell them that even if you hadn't cut the money to fix those levees, there weren't going to be any Army engineers to fix them anyway because you had a much more important construction job for them -- BUILDING DEMOCRACY IN IRAQ!

On Day 3, when you finally left your vacation home, I have to say I was moved by how you had your Air Force One pilot descend from the clouds as you flew over New Orleans so you could catch a quick look of the disaster. Hey, I know you couldn't stop and grab a bullhorn and stand on some rubble and act like a commander in chief. Been there done that.

There will be those who will try to politicize this tragedy and try to use it against you. Just have your people keep pointing that out. Respond to nothing. Even those pesky scientists who predicted this would happen because the water in the Gulf of Mexico is getting hotter and hotter making a storm like this inevitable. Ignore them and all their global warming Chicken Littles. There is nothing unusual about a hurricane that was so wide it would be like having one F-4 tornado that stretched from New York to Cleveland.

No, Mr. Bush, you just stay the course. It's not your fault that 30 percent of New Orleans lives in poverty or that tens of thousands had no transportation to get out of town. C'mon, they're black! I mean, it's not like this happened to Kennebunkport. Can you imagine leaving white people on their roofs for five days? Don't make me laugh! Race has nothing -- NOTHING -- to do with this!

You hang in there, Mr. Bush. Just try to find a few of our Army helicopters and send them there. Pretend the people of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast are near Tikrit.


Michael Moore

P.S. That annoying mother, Cindy Sheehan, is no longer at your ranch. She and dozens of other relatives of the Iraqi War dead are now driving across the country, stopping in many cities along the way. Maybe you can catch up with them before they get to DC on September 21st.

10:12 a.m.Tuesday, August 30, 2005

08:07 a.m.Monday, August 22, 2005
"I'm not interested in money. I just want to be wonderful." -Marilyn Monroe

08:54 a.m.Thursday, August 11, 2005

Your Heart is Red

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

06:17 p.m.Wednesday, August 10, 2005
I've been married a month today! Can you believe it??? Happy Anniversary, Baby. I LOVE YOU!!!

The second time around, marriage is fucking AWESOME! I have absolutely no complaints. I'm married to the most wonderful man on the planet - how did I get so lucky???

10:29 a.m.Monday, August 1, 2005
Your Mexican Name Is...
Doña Encarnacion

10:16 a.m.Tuesday, July 26, 2005
I’ve been married for two weeks, been in my new job for two weeks….wow, my life is SO different now! But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Things have been going CRAZY the past week and a half. I’ve been working til 7 every night – though my boss SWEARS that’s going to slow down.

April & Joe got married on Saturday. It was a really beautiful wedding. My sister looked stunning. She looked like a model for Bride Magazine. The church was perfect, the reception, perfect – pretty much just like my sister, perfect. I sang and was a bridesmaid – so, on top of working my ass off this last week, I was doing wedding shit. I’m SO glad it’s over!

The whole family was there for the wedding, though – and that was a plus. I LOVE being around my family – I didn’t use to like it, but I think I value them more since John died. I have some great news, too – Aaron & Karrie are moving back to California!!! They’re move date is sometime before October 1. I am so excited! The more time I spend with them, the more I WANT to spend with them. And Aaron & Spanky get along really well, which is no small blessing. I was thinking yesterday about how lucky I am that Spank is such a wonderful man and that my family loves him and that he loves them back. What did I ever do to deserve this guy? I don’t know – but I want to keep doing it!

I really like my new job, love the people, the work itself is actually really fun. All that aside, I think I’ve decided that I want to be independently wealthy. I don’t want to work for anyone else. I just want to be a musician and help other people – maybe start up a non-profit and run it, something like that. So, can one of you make that happen for me?

05:01 a.m.Tuesday, July 19, 2005
I started my new job yesterday. WOW - this company's processes are SO fucked up! But, that's good for me. At least the first six months will be cleanup - and I'll look like a superstar!

So, I've been married over a week now - got my name all changed with everyone, and I am officially a Mrs. I love it. Best thing I ever did. My neighbor said to me that I should have started out with this one the first time - I somewhat agree. But, had I not married Anthony the first time, I wouldn't be able to appreciate what I have in Spank. Anyway, I'm gushing, it's early, I've got shit to do - just wanted to give you all a quick update. Happy Tuesday.

07:46 a.m.Monday, July 11, 2005
I got married yesterday. Don't fall off of your chair, don't hyperventilate. It's true. I'm married. As I write this, I've been a married woman for about 18 hours. No, I'm not crazy (well, I guess that's debatable). I'm happy, and I'm content.

It was a VERY simple ceremony - and it was just us - no friends, no family, no one. We're planning a sort of ceremony next year - perhaps on our year anniversary - I'm not sure, haven't gotten that far.

Anyway, the plan of the day is to hit up the Social Security office, the bank, the DMV and possibly meet my dad for lunch. Oh, so much to do! Ciao!

07:12 p.m.Saturday, July 9, 2005
It's been a year. A year today. I've been jittery for the last week or so and really couldn't figure out why I was stressing. But it hit me this morning why. Not like I didn't know that today was a year, I've been talking about it for a month, knowing that the anniversary was coming up, but I guess the full effect really didn't hit me until today. I called Hope and Shawn and left a message for them - they didn't call me back, and I assume that they just really don't want to talk to anyone. I don't blame them. My parents slept in until noon. I talked to Aaron for about a minute - he didn't sound great. It's weird, I don't really feel like he's actually gone. I still hear things on the radio or see NASCAR stuff and think - "Oh, I need to call John and tell him." And then I remember that I can't.

It was about six in the morning when my mom called to tell me a year ago that he'd been killed. I was in shock, I was sick to my stomach - and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it. I think sometimes I still can't believe it. Like a month from now he's going to call me up and say "just kidding!" I know that it won't happen, but your heart and mind play tricks on you.

Without really thinking about it, today I called my two friends who have also lost thier brothers - I guess misery loves company. So, the day's almost over and a whole year has passed. A year where so many things have happened that John wasn't able to be a part of. Aaron & Karrie's wedding, April's wedding in two weeks, meeting Spanky - I know John would have loved him - Although I don't spend my days crying or sitting around depressed, I really do miss him still. And I don't know if it ever gets better or goes away. I suspect not.

John - I miss you. I love you. I do take some consolation in the fact that I know you're in a better place than we are, and that I'll get to see you again someday. I miss your face, little brother.

12:24 p.m.Thursday, July 7, 2005
So it looks like I'm staying in California - at least for a while. I had two days of back-to-back interviews with that company in Brea. About an hour after I left them yesterday, they called and offered me the position. It's a really great salary and a pretty exciting opportunity - so we'll see how that works out. I should be starting there some time next week. Interestingly enough, as I was leaving that company, Coach called me. Remember them? The ones who flew me to NYC and kept me there and put me through a string of interviews? Yeah, they fired the guy that they hired INSTEAD of hiring me - and they want me to come work for them now. What do I have to say to that? FUCK YOU. Should have recognized the talent that you had in the first place!

I got a fancy little notice from the courts today. Apparently, back in March I got what is called a "photo enforced violation" - you know, the cameras at the stop lights? Well, even though the DMV has my current address, they still sent the notice to the wrong address. Now, today, they send a "Final Notice" to my parents house. I'm here, so I just happened to get it. Bastards. It's $336 now. Originally, it's an $86 ticket. WHAT DICKS! So, now I have to go to court and appear before a judge to try and get it back down to the original amount. Hassles!

12:13 p.m.Thursday, July 7, 2005
You are the color pink. As a beautiful and sweet
human, you are everybody's favorite person.
Healthy and energetic, you're often seen
spreading the happines. As an unusually
charming and sweet person, you're always ready
to comfort people who are down. You sympathize
with everyone, but not always yourself. Aside
from that, you are light-hearted and cheery.
And you make it your duty to make every cloud
have a silver lining.

What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

09:57 a.m.Monday, July 4, 2005
Happy 4th of July! Don't get too smashed at your BBQ's today - tomorrow's a work day!

08:43 a.m.Sunday, July 3, 2005
Okay, so I’ve been gone a month! No access to the internet, either. Can you imagine that from a techno-geek like me? Here’s the update:

We decided to hold off on the trucking thing and go on an extended vacation - Spank wanted me to do a “test run” of being on the road before we committed to anything. It’s a good thing, too - do you know how FUCKING FILTHY truck stop bathrooms are??? Also, it is quite impossible to get soybeans outside of California or New York. I think it’s a major conspiracy. So, we started out in Vegas and stayed there through the weekend. Spank needed to do some stuff and take care of business - plus, my sister’s bachelorette party was going on out there - so it was convenient for me. Next stop - New Mexico.

I was rather unimpressed with New Mexico - I seem to remember it being a lot cooler, but no, just lots of dorky people and no good scenery. Moving on to Texas - we stayed there for two days. The tattoo artist who did my wrists and the ichthus on my back works in a shop out there (Pipeline Tattoo), and I wanted to get some more work done. I came away with a REALLY great pierced, bleeding rose on the front of my right shoulder - what I hope will be the start of a religiously themed sleeve - or at least 3/4 sleeve - a girl’s STILL gotta work, you know!

We left Texas and drove through Arkansas and into Tennessee - Elvis, here we come! We stayed in the most disgusting truck stop hotel on the planet! I was afraid to walk around the room without my shoes on! The bathroom was gross, the door was falling off the hinges, the air conditioner was broken and it REEKED of carpet fresh - like a carpet fresh monster came into the room and vomited everywhere! Anyway, it was only $30 and we were gone by 6 the next morning. Onward through North Carolina and Virginia - stopped there for the night, WAY better than the previous night! Finally made it up to Maryland where Spank’s family lives.

We rolled up to Spank’s mom’s apartment around noon. I am in love with this woman. She is the warmest, bravest, most personable woman in the world. She’s witty and beautiful and wise and at peace - everyone should know her. No wonder her kids turned out so great! We spent several days in Maryland with Spank’s family and had a really relaxing and fun time. We went out to this restaurant called Old Mill - it’s an all-you-can-eat crab place. I had salad. Although they did get me to try a bite of crab and a bite of clam - and, without a doubt, I am still a vegetarian - how can you people eat that shit????? While in Maryland, we hopped on over to Delaware - about 30 minutes away - and hit up Independent Tattoo - where Spank used to pierce. I met Matt Amey - quite possibly the best tattoo artist that I’ve known. I have devoted my right leg to him - a montage to the early American media - 1940's - 1950's ads and icons. He started with a 1940 Chevy sedan on my thigh - can’t wait to go back and have more work done by him - he’s AMAZING!

From Maryland we made our way up to Pennsylvania to see Tattoo Rob. This guy is a friend of Spank’s and almost as cool as he is. And, strangely, he reminds me SO MUCH of my pastor Mike - I swear, they could be brothers.....weird. So, Spank got a tattoo in Pottstown, PA - a really traditional horseshoe piece on the front of his shin - I know it had to hurt like hell, but, of course, he just laid there and acted like it was nothing. I would have liked to have spent more time in PA with Rob and Danielle (his wife), we’ll have to go back soon. So, we left Pottstown on our way to Port Huron, MI to spend some time with Aaron and Karrie. The most direct route was to go through Canada - sounds like a great idea, right? WRONG! We had made it so far the whole trip without any problems - what happens in Canada? We get a speeding ticket AND in a fender-bender! We were only there for 4 hours, damnit! Finally make it out of Canada and to my brother’s house. It was a great visit - and I forget how much I miss him and Karrie. Aaron and Spank got along great - so, yes, now the WHOLE family loves him. Am I the luckiest woman in the world, or what??? We spent 5 days with them - could have stayed a week more, but, alas, we needed to get back.

So, now we’re on our way back west. We stopped in Chicago and had dinner with Moe and Jannette and the kids. First time I got to actually face-to-face meet her - and I completely approve. Moe has found himself a keeper - and he better marry this one! Of course he ribbed me a little about being in a relationship - me, the queen of no relationships is in a committed “thing.” I’m getting soft in my old age. We left Chicago early the next day and drove down through Missouri. We stopped for the night in Columbia, Missouri. Strange little podunk town. However, we did meet a bartender there - Johnny - who was really cool and, as luck would have it, moving to Seal Beach next week. Go figure. Onward....

Our second to last stop was in Colorado Springs. After driving 11 hours we were barely alive when we rolled in - but we HAD to see Brooke and Sean. So, we met up at their house - after about an hour of chit-chat with them and their parents, we took off for dinner. We ate at some Chicago restaurant place which would have been fairly non-memorable had it not been for the house beer - Amanda’s Naughty Nut. Spank was in love with the tap handle - as it was sporting a mud-flap girl. He convinced the waitress to take the tap handle for him, and he’s going to use it as a shifter on his bike. Precious. ::GAG::

So, from Colorado Springs, we rolled through Vegas again, let Spank check his P.O. Box and take care of last minute shit. Got into OC around 2 o’clock Friday afternoon. We’re kicking back at my parents until some time next week and then we’ll see what we’re doing. Oh, I DO have an interview on Tuesday - keep your fingers crossed for me - the same thing I’ve been doing for the past several years, just a different company (financial mortgage type thing) in a different city (Brea). I’ll keep you updated.

So far, I’ve talked to Meagan and Heather, but haven’t seen them. Karyel did come by last night for a few hours - damn I’ve missed my friends! My parents are in Hawaii until Thursday - vacationing with Mark and Karen. Joel is in the Ukraine until the 11th - doing God’s work (or so I’m told). And, April’s wedding is in three weeks. That’s the haps, people. There is the MAJORLY long update on my life. I’ll update again soon. Have a great holiday!

09:24 a.m.Thursday, June 9, 2005
Wow. It's my last day at Experian. Five years. Five years, people!!! I'm all packed up and we're leaving today...Saw my parents and Joel and Emily last night. Mark made an appearance, too - glad he's back in town! Tuesday night I went out with a bunch of people from work - HAD A FUCKING BLAST!!! I put pictures out on my picture page site (use the link to the left) - go check them out. Heather wasn't able to make it - cause she was in Colorado - but she did stop by my parents' house last night on her way back into town. So, at least I got to see her before we leave. Well, the adventure is beginning.....I'll blog soon!

03:59 p.m.Monday, June 6, 2005
I have been SO DAMN BUSY!!! Let's see.....housesitting/dogsitting for Nina all last week. Her dog is about 120 pounds - makes Otis look like a stuffed animal! But they have fun together - it's cute to watch them play. My sister's wedding shower was Saturday afternoon - it was so NOT the kind of party my friends would throw for me! I think she got 3 little nighties (1 from me, of course) and the rest was household stuff. Come on people!!!! The woman is getting married!!! Loosen up!!! It's OKAY for her to have sex and look HOT. Anyway, moved into Karye's over the weekend for the next few days....

OMG - this is real. My last day at work - and in CA - is Thursday!!! That's 3 days away. I'm starting to freak out. This is really real. I've not been without a job since I was 15!!! What am I doing??? Okay, enough freaking out.

It looks like things are changing, slightly, yet again. Spank has a job that wants him to start next Monday - OUCH!!! So, and I'll know for sure tomorrow - it looks like we're going to fly out to Maryland to see his mom on Thursday then go out to St. Louis to pick up the truck on Sunday - be working and on the road by Monday! If all goes according to plan, we'll be on the road and back here in CA by July 19th for the week of my sister's wedding. After that, I'll decide if I can handle "on the road" life for a little longer.....Gives me time to see the country and figure out who I want to be....Well, since I'm STILL working for now - I should get back to it!

01:21 p.m.Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Okay, some major changes in my life as of late. I always feel like something isn’t really real until I blog about it. So, by posting this, I’m committing to it. SCARY! Here’s the scoop:

I met a man. An incredible man. A brilliant and funny man. A man who is insanely perfect for me. He challenged me as to why I was going to NYC. We talked at length about it. When I walked away from the conversation I knew two things: 1. I need out of CA, whether or not it’s NYC doesn’t really matter. What I really want is to live life; to not be tied to corporate America and have my soul sucked from me. 2. I cannot let this man get away from me.

I won’t go into massive detail about him, but I will say that he’s met my friends and my parents – and EVERYONE loves him. So, here’s the amended plan for my immediate future. I am leaving CA on June 9th. Spanky and I (that’s his name) are going to take an extended road trip. We’re going through AZ to see Tess & Sam, CO to see Heather’s family and Brooke & Sean, then up to Chicago to see Moe and Janette, through Michigan for Aaron & Karrie, over to MD to see Spank’s family, then down maybe through Florida and back through Texas. We’ll make it back here in time for my sister’s wedding in July. After that, I think we may go across the country again – Spank drives trucks, so it’s convenient like that. Maybe set up shop somewhere in late August.

Basically, I’m going to take this time to decide “what I want to be when I grow up.” There’s a lot more, but that’s enough for today. PHEW! Okay, I’m posting it – so it’s real……..

10:03 a.m.Monday, May 23, 2005
Hmmmmm. Interesting.......

Your Birthdate: October 15
With a birthday on the 15th of any month, you are apt to have really strong attachments to home, family and domestic scene. The 1 and 5 equaling 6, provide the sort of energy that makes you an excellent parent or teacher. You are very responsible and capable. This is an attractive and an attracting influence. You like harmony in your environment and strive to maintain it. You tend to learn by observation rather than study and research. You may like to cook, but you probably don't follow recipes. This number shows artistic leanings and would certainly support an talents that may be otherwise in your makeup. You're a very generous and giving person, but perhaps a bit stubborn in ways.

02:26 p.m.Monday, May 16, 2005
It’s been way too long since I blogged. So, here’s an update. I was dead to the world last week. I had an abscessed tooth and thought I was going to die. By Wednesday, after 4 days of vicodin stupor, I gladly welcomed the root canal that faced me. My mouth is now fairly back to normal. In related news, I think my monroe piercing is pretty well healed – YAY. I had the shorter post put in yesterday and have experienced no problemos.

I got a KICK ASS tattoo on Saturday – pictures to follow soon. Now, the inside of my left leg is covered, from below my ankle bone up to my knee. It’s a traditional piece, a geisha girl – quite beautifully done. She’s holding a scroll with the kanji for younger brother on it – in memory of John. I go back in two weeks to get the rest of the color done in the Koi fish – and then my leg is done……well, for now.

I’m working my ass off trying to prepare for NYC. I’ve decided that I’m not going to sell my car until after I get there. It’s cheaper for me to keep my car for an extra month and drive it out than it is to rent something. Still not sure where I’m going to be living, though I do have several offers for places to stay – God bless my friends. I’m still working on trying to find a driving companion from LA to NYC. I’ve got a couple prospects, we’ll see if it works out. Here’s my tentative itinerary:

June 9th – drive from LA to Tempe, AZ, stay with Tess & Sam for the night
June 10th – drive from AZ to Colorado Springs, CO, stay with Ben’s parents or Heather’s parents – still up in the air on this one
June 11th – drive from CO to Fort Dodge, IA, this is about half way between CO and Chicago. My friend Tony lives here, but I haven’t heard back from him yet about crashing on his couch….
June 12th – drive from IA to Chicago, IL, stay with Moe for a night or two
June 13th or 14th – drive from IL to Port Huron, MI, stay with Aaron & Karrie for a night or two
June 15th or 16th – drive from MI to NYC, then I’ll be there!

Not sure where I’m going directly, but I know I can stay with Pete for a week or so if I need to. Jill offered her couch for a week, too. A couple of my other friends have offered up their spaces – so I’m covered for a while. Just working on trying to get a job and a place to live. I was thinking recently, I’m really not locked into this whole HRIS thing. It’s wide open – I could do anything. Any suggestions?

10:38 a.m.Monday, May 9, 2005
I have a new celebrity obsession: Adrien Brody. I don't know what it is - the skinny rock star/celebrity thing really does it for me. Every film I've seen with him in it has been spectacular. I think I need to marry him. Well, you know - for like a week.

01:34 p.m.Friday, May 6, 2005
Happy Birthday, Pete!!! You're almost catching up to me now. Go out, have fun, smoke a bowl and drink a lot!

11:22 p.m.Tuesday, May 3, 2005
Okay, folks, I haven’t had internet access for four days – so this is going to be a long one. Bear with me.

Aaron is married. He did it. Karrie is now officially a Brown. The wedding was beautiful, the church gorgeous – Karrie looked like royalty. There was one thing that stood out, and, I think, made just about everyone cry. Aaron had asked my brother John to be one of his groomsmen last year before John died. After he passed, Aaron asked John’s best friend, Shawn, to stand in for John at the wedding. Shawn of course agreed. Apparently a few months before his death, John was in a friend’s wedding, and Shawn & Hope (Shawn’s wife) had some photos of John in a tuxedo. Hope had the pictures made into pins. And all of the groomsmen wore the pins on their lapels during the entire ceremony and reception. It was a moving tribute to my brother – and I’m so glad that they did it.

So, the wedding was beautiful. Michigan, however, is a crap hole. It’s cold, wet, white and boring. There are three things to do in Michigan (well, Port Huron specifically): drink, smoke & fuck. I did a lot of drinking and smoking. I left the fucking to the newlyweds. It rained a bit, but it didn’t snow – thank God for small blessings. I stayed on hotel row – there are about 6 hotels in Port Huron, all right next to each other – and across the street from my parents’ hotel. The first night I was there, I inquired about getting some vegan, or at least vegetarian, food. Impossible. It’s a meat-eating state. Period – even their vegetarian soups had a beef base. I was never so happy in my life to see edemame when I got to NYC. But, that’s coming up. Back to the hotel – there are several front desk personnel, but two specifically are really cool. I met Kirk and Erin – roommates, and co-workers. They rescued me from my boringness and took me to the one cool place in Port Huron – Seekers, this really cute gay bar. It was karaoke night, and, of course, I ripped it up! Drank WAY too much – and rolled back to the hotel around 6 AM; after having a boca burger at Denny’s with Erin and one of her friends. This friend is also note-worthy, Brian – he likes to hang from hooks. Literally. He has hooks threaded through his chest and back and is suspended by them. Interesting people, these Michiganites.

Friday night, my cousin Shawna came into town, and we partied it up at this “club” (and I use that term SO loosely) called Enigma. We were amazed at the lack of color in this establishment. There were exactly two black men (both bouncers) and two black women (one was a go-go dancer). And, there was one other brown-skin, this EXTREMELY hot bartender named Rakish – who was way too cute to live in Michigan. Anyway, it was a semi-early night, and we cruised back to the hotel so that we were all alive and beautiful for the wedding the next day.

So, as I mentioned, the wedding was spectacular, the reception REALLY fun. And – my parents danced!!! It was so cute – I’ve never seen them dance before, I loved it. The reception broke up around midnight, made it back to the hotel and in bed by 1. (Did I mention that Kenny & Matt were also in my room? Yeah, two snoring men……) Anyway, I was back up at 3, so that I could leave by 4 to get to the airport by 5, to make my 7 AM flight. PHEW! I made it, but man was I exhausted!!! On to NYC…

I went straight from the airport to this cute church recommended by my pastor called Mosaic Manhattan. It’s young and vibrant, good music – it’s certainly a viable option for regular attendance once I get into the city. From there I made it to my hotel and met up with Johnny, the real estate agent, and hung out with him, talked about apartments, looked at stuff, etc. Around 6 I headed out to Brooklyn to meet up with Pete. Now, Pete is a dude I’ve been emailing through MySpace – and he’s cool as shit. Pete has fangs – literally. He makes them and wears them. Vampire-like fangs, seriously. I THINK he may have at one point actually fancied himself a vampire, but we didn’t get too much into that. We went to this great little sushi place right on the water – where, as mentioned before, I got my edemame!!! Never have I been so happy to see soy in my life. Brooklyn is pretty cool – I still don’t want to live there, but it’s got character, and I could dig visiting and hanging out there. Some of the buildings are incredibly beautiful.

On to Monday…I met up with David in the village for a late lunch, and got to watch some great street basketball while I waited. I’ll tell you – I’d watch these boys over the Lakers any day! So, hit up this restaurant called Goba – VERY tasty, I’m certainly going to have to go back there. We walked around the village for quite a while until the sky opened up and dumped torrents of rain on us – neither of us had the foresight to bring an umbrella. So, on to the subway and the 2 block trek to my hotel – which felt like 2 miles in the pouring rain. OH! My hotel – it was on 71st St and Central Park West – fantastic area. That park is amazing. When I move, I intend to spend much time there with Otis. I met back up with Pete and David later in the evening and cruised all around Manhattan – I think I’ve got a handle on what and where most things are generally. 1st, 2nd & 3rd Aves are Eastside. 5th & 6th Aves are Westside. Higher numbered streets are North, lower numbered streets South – and Lexington is in the middle. The Bronx is up, Brooklyn is down, Queens is East and Long Island is anything beyond Brooklyn and Queens. See? I’m a pro!

So, now I’m on the plane catching up with my blog. I’ll post this tonight sometime after I get home and have internet access again. I can’t wait to see everyone! Heather is picking me up at the airport – YAY!!! I miss her face. It’s a week until I can see Casey, as he’s in SF and then Colorado – but, he’ll be back on the 13th.

A slight update, I have an official move date to NYC. My last day at Experian will be June 10th, and I plan to leave that evening. I think I’ll take 5 days or so to drive from LA to NYC. I may stop in Colorado and see Heather’s family, and I think I’ll make quick stops in Chicago (to see Mo) and Michigan to see Aaron and Karrie. I’m still up in the air about an apartment and a job, but I did have an interview this morning with a placement firm who happens to partner with Ceridian – so, that’s a plus.

I think I’m going to have my lip re-pierced. I loved that piercing and I’ve got 6 weeks now before I’m back in NYC and interviewing. So, a lot of time to heal so that when I’m ready to interview and work, I can wear a retainer. I think I’ll do that tomorrow after I pick up Otis from my parents’ house. I MISS MY DOGGY!!! But, Curtis was awesome and watched him for me. THANK YOU, CURTIS – I LOVE YOU!!!

Lastly, in a GROSS oversight on my part, I missed Lali’s birthday. I didn’t forget it, I knew it was his birthday, but I was travelling and didn’t post anything about it. So, Lalipants, happy belated birthday. I hope it was great! Readers, thanks for putting up with this INCREDIBLY long post. I think now I’m going to drift off to sleep in this moderately uncomfortable airline seat.

01:20 p.m.Friday, April 22, 2005
Coach went with a more local candidate. Bastards. No, really, it's okay. I guess it's just not where I'm supposed to be. So, here's my plan - I stay at Experian until bonus is paid out. Then I go to NYC - job or no job, and figure it out when I get there......

10:19 p.m.Thursday, April 21, 2005
I really want this job. Normally I wouldn't put it all out there like that. I'd have the attitude that they're lucky to have me, and if they don't hire me - their loss. But not this time. I WANT this job. BAD. I hope they offer this to me tomorrow. Fingers crossed, prayers and good vibes........

08:55 a.m.Thursday, April 21, 2005
Yesterday sucked ass. I was eating lunch with Curtis when I felt an odd sensation in my upper, left abdomen. I tried to work around it, and then it got bad. It hurt. A LOT. I went to the ER to get checked out. Nine hours later they sent me home with a bottle of liquid Vicodin and a diagnosis of "torn scar tissue" and "mild Chron's" in the upper GI tract. So, happy Wednesday to me. YUCK. But, they did give me 10cc of morphine, so, it wasn't a complete waste.......

10:47 a.m.Wednesday, April 20, 2005

You are a

Yes, you don't like to kill people. That goes
against everything you belive in. It's not that
you are a coward, but your ideals and morals
wouldn't allow it. You are the typical hero, do
the righteous things, get the bad guys and do
it all legally. But just because you don't kill
doesn't mean you can't kick ass. And that is
what you do. You use your brain and your
strenght to do honourable deeds and protect
people you know and love. If an evil guy is
going to take over the world soon, it's you who
will get involved. You hate watching innocents
suffer, and love seeing bad people getting what
they deserve. You are probably also happy and
optimistic and work pretty good in groups. And
the friends you usually make are true ones.

Main weapon: Anything at all
Quote: "You only live once, but if
you do it right, once is enough" -Joe
Facial expression: Smile

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

10:30 a.m.Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Here's a short little update on Coach - though it's not much. This is the email from the HR Manager to my recruiter:


Unfortunately, I do not have any news yet. [Director} and [Manager] are still thinking it over. I should have an answer by the end of the week. I did receive [KittenPoo's] fax today. As soon as I have any updates I will let you know. I am eagerly awaiting an answer as well :-)


I'm in purgatory.

09:26 a.m.Wednesday, April 20, 2005
To all my toker friends and readers - Happy 420!

09:56 a.m.Tuesday, April 19, 2005
I made it to NYC – had a great time. I walked all over the city and really checked things out. On Friday, I spent most of the day at the Coach offices – I think the interviews went really well. I had my final interview yesterday morning with the VP of Applications. He ended the call with – “Considering that you are in CA, how soon would you be able to start working?” I think that’s a good sign. But, of course, no news from them yet. I hate waiting. I’m such an impatient girl!

In related news, I’m corresponding with a real estate agent who’s looking for apartments for me. That way, when I DO get out to NYC, I’ll have my own little shoebox to call my own. I’ll update soon – keep those fingers and toes crossed for me!!!

03:27 p.m.Sunday, April 17, 2005
Quote of the Day

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."
-Anias Nin

10:26 a.m.Monday, April 11, 2005
OMG - I started my day off with a HUGE surprise! Coach wants me to interview in NYC THIS WEEK!!! I'll be there on Friday - Can you believe this???? I'm leaving Thursday morning, and coming back Monday evening. This is SO amazing!!! I'm SO excited. Okay, ALL your good vibes coming my way.....

Incidentally, I took out my new piercing this morning. Hopefully, by Friday it will look good and maybe just look like a pimple or something - I HOPE - fingers crossed! Okay, back to the grind - I'll update soon.

03:00 p.m.Sunday, April 10, 2005
Happy Birthday, Micki!!! Can't wait to see you!

04:43 p.m.Friday, April 8, 2005
I can’t even begin to write about how I’ve been feeling for the last few days, so, here’s a conversation between Lali & I that pretty well sums it up:

diavulu: hey lali
KittenPoo1974: hi lalaland
diavulu: How's life poo?
diavulu: How's Casey?
KittenPoo1974: Life is good.
KittenPoo1974: Casey is fine. Going on a date with Heather tonight.
diavulu: Are you or is she?
KittenPoo1974: Heather has a date with Casey tonight.
diavulu: Wud?
diavulu: Wait.
diavulu: I thought you and he.....?
KittenPoo1974: you thought wrong
diavulu: What happened lali?
diavulu: It seemed like he was a good match for you?!
diavulu: Well lali??!
KittenPoo1974: He's my friend, Lali.
KittenPoo1974: That's all.
KittenPoo1974: I never thought I was going to date him.
KittenPoo1974: Obviously you don't read my blog carefully enough.
diavulu: I just re-read it, I got the impression he was definitely dateable, especially in light of the fact that he'll soon relocate to NYC along the same timetable you will, roughly.
KittenPoo1974: Well, he wants to date Heather.
diavulu: I mean, easy on the eyes, intelligent, innocent....
diavulu: etc etc.
KittenPoo1974: So, no, he's not dateable.
diavulu: you spoke of him as though...
diavulu: he were.
KittenPoo1974: Well, he's not.
diavulu: My mistake.
diavulu: You seem bitter.
diavulu: Or upset.
diavulu: Well, anyway.
KittenPoo1974: Niether.
KittenPoo1974: I do like him. But he's into Heather. So it really doesn't matter.
diavulu: I hope heather and c. have a fun time then.
diavulu: You seem like it bothers you.
KittenPoo1974: A lot has been bothering me lately.
diavulu: Wait, your blog makes it out like your recent weeks have been nothing but joy.
diavulu: And, wait, does it bother you Heather and C. are dating??
KittenPoo1974: my most recent days have been sort of shitty
KittenPoo1974: since about Tuesday
diavulu: If it does, you should talk to her or something.
KittenPoo1974: and I don't like it because she doesn't really like him, she's amused by him.
diavulu: what happened tuestay?
KittenPoo1974: what would I say to her?
KittenPoo1974: It really doesn't matter, Lali.
KittenPoo1974: I don't get the "good boys" anyway
KittenPoo1974: He's not into me, that's fine. He's becoming a friend - might become a good friend. That's better than a relationship anyway.
diavulu: You seem a little, if just a little, bitter, over this.
KittenPoo1974: i'm a little irritated
KittenPoo1974: I LOVE Heather.
KittenPoo1974: I adore her.
diavulu: I thought you were a little miffed over this.
KittenPoo1974: Shit, if I was a man, I'd want to marry her.
KittenPoo1974: BUT
KittenPoo1974: It's a little annoying that every man we know falls in love with her.
KittenPoo1974: Have you seen the movie - The Truth About Cats & Dogs?
diavulu: No, but it sounds like a movie I would see.
diavulu: I'm sure it didn't help matters when I expressed an interest in Heather, before all of this came about.
diavulu: But no, I haven't seen the movie.
KittenPoo1974: No, that didn't help, but that's okay.
KittenPoo1974: Well, it's like this: Jeanine Garaffalo is this radio host who has a great voice, but is frumpy.
KittenPoo1974: Her best friend is Uma Thurman who is hot.
diavulu: I'd so get with her.
diavulu: Not Uma though.
diavulu: Jeanine.
diavulu: jeanine for sure
diavulu: Uma? Not quite.
KittenPoo1974: My favorite line in the whole movie is when a guy crashed his bike staring at Uma and Jeanine says: You know, if you were puking there'd be a line of guys waiting for the chance to hold back your hair.
KittenPoo1974: That's my life with Heather.
KittenPoo1974: I'm Jeanine Garaffalo.
diavulu: I'm sorry lali.
diavulu: But I must admit, she has a certain "something" which I found appealing, almost immediately.
KittenPoo1974: I know.
KittenPoo1974: Everyone does.
diavulu: Heather is definite marriage material.
diavulu: Sans doubt.
KittenPoo1974: I don't begrudge her for it. I just get insecure about it.
KittenPoo1974: And, yes, I guess that's it - I'm the girl the boys want to fuck, she's the girl they want to marry.
KittenPoo1974: I have to come to terms with that.
diavulu: I do find Heather to be physically appealing, as well.
diavulu: She just seems like a good, decent girl.
diavulu: Very open, honest type.
diavulu: But you know me.
diavulu: I'm paranoid.
KittenPoo1974: She is all those things.
KittenPoo1974: She's wonderful.
KittenPoo1974: Like I said, if I was a man, I'd marry her.
diavulu: Well, I wouldn't trust her, but I'd have an easier time trusting her than some other person.
diavulu: Whomever.
diavulu: I would too, she's definitely good grist for the marriage mill.
diavulu: How old is she?
diavulu: Anyway?
KittenPoo1974: You know you're not helping, right?
KittenPoo1974: She's 26.
diavulu: 26?
diavulu: I'll be 23 this month.
diavulu: And she's just three years older.
diavulu: That seems reasonable.
diavulu: Helping what?
KittenPoo1974: Yes, I suppose it's reasonable.
KittenPoo1974: And you're not making me feel any better.
diavulu: Lali, I'm sure you'll find the one.
diavulu: I think we all have that one person out there, for us.
KittenPoo1974: I'm sure I won't, but that's beside the point.
diavulu: See?
diavulu: You
diavulu: You're a cynical person lali.
KittenPoo1974: Just do me a favor and lie to me - please make me believe that I'm more appealing than Heather. I just need one person to think that.
KittenPoo1974: As fucked up as that is - I love her, I don't know HOW I could feel insecure like this - it fucking sucks.
diavulu: I know how angel. You have it smashing you in the face, how couldn't you notice and feel something about it?
diavulu: Frankly, I would've been amazed if you didn't feel insecure with this in your face. I'd feel the same way.
diavulu: I think.
KittenPoo1974: Again, not helping.
diavulu: I'm trying to sympathize with my lali here.
KittenPoo1974: I don't want your sympathy.
KittenPoo1974: I want you to lie to me.
diavulu: I don't lie to people unless they're Israeli lali.
KittenPoo1974: still not helping
KittenPoo1974: I don't know why I'm even telling you this anyway
KittenPoo1974: you don't think highly enough of me for this to be an issue
diavulu: Here we go.
KittenPoo1974: I'm just some whore with hurt feelings as far as you're concerned
diavulu: Alright, lay it on me.
diavulu: There we go.
diavulu: You're so adorable lali.
diavulu: I love you.
diavulu: You're insecurity is so endearing.
diavulu: *Your
KittenPoo1974: Why?
diavulu: Your feelings aren't hurt, you're just queesy because of the attention she gets and it makes you feel insecure.
diavulu: From what I understand.
diavulu: I mean, you're not in pain over Heather being who she is and being what she is, are you?
diavulu: Because if you are, that's different.
KittenPoo1974: No, of course not.
diavulu: Then there it is.
KittenPoo1974: I adore her.
diavulu: Good.
diavulu: Well, I love my lali.
diavulu: You'll feel better when you move to ny lali.
diavulu: I don't know what to say.
diavulu: This'll go away angel.
diavulu: You'll find cool people in nyc.
diavulu: cool guys.
KittenPoo1974: I'll feel better when I figure shit out.
diavulu: hot straight punker tatto guys.
diavulu: tattoo
KittenPoo1974: I'll feel better when I stop entertaining the idea of a normal relationship, It's not going to happen for me.
diavulu: Lali, if you really believe that, than just live for the moment with guys, just like you have been all this while and forget it, otherwise you'll just keep torturing yourself endlessly. Being around heather isn't helping things obviously.
KittenPoo1974: I always live for the moment.
KittenPoo1974: I'm just not really that into guys right now.
KittenPoo1974: Wednesday night, all I wanted was someone to sleep next to me.
KittenPoo1974: So, I cried, then fell asleep with Otis.
KittenPoo1974: There's something fucking wrong with me, I think I might be losing my mind.
diavulu: You'll be into guys when you leave for ny lali.
diavulu: You'll wake up one day and hit the grind again.
KittenPoo1974: I really don't think so.
KittenPoo1974: I'm kinda over it.
diavulu: Kinda over guys?
diavulu: come now.
diavulu: This is me you're talking to.
diavulu: You need new scenery.
diavulu: Not abstinance.
diavulu: That's just not you.
diavulu: I mean, if it's what you're going to do then fine. I'm just speaking from what I've known and seen.
KittenPoo1974: I think I need to figure out WHAT it is I need.
KittenPoo1974: There's a really great guy out here who wants to date me, so, of course, I run away from him.
diavulu: You need to figure out what you need lali.
diavulu: When you do, gimme a call.
diavulu: Elsewise, best of luck.
diavulu: But no one but you can do that for you.
KittenPoo1974: Yeah, I know.
diavulu: Till then, hey, live it up.
KittenPoo1974: No, that's no fun right now.
diavulu: It will be lali. I'm telling you, just new scenery is all you need.
diavulu: I should probably shut up about Heather.
KittenPoo1974: Yeah, that would be a good idea.
KittenPoo1974: Cause, right now, the only thing I've got is that you love me and you don't love her.
KittenPoo1974: So, yeah, don't blow that for me.
diavulu: Hah, no lali, I just love you, promise.
diavulu: Heather, well, she could still be a skank.
diavulu: Who knows.
KittenPoo1974: she's nor
KittenPoo1974: *not
diavulu: Then good.
diavulu: Good for her and for all good women like her.
diavulu: Good girls, good women, will wind up being good wives, mothers and so on.
diavulu: Old adge goes.
KittenPoo1974: Yeah
KittenPoo1974: Unlike me
diavulu: You want me to lie to you?
diavulu: You asked me to, right?
diavulu: I love you.
diavulu: I won't lie to you.
diavulu: Not by giving you an answer.
diavulu: But just by not answering lali.
diavulu: Anyway.
KittenPoo1974: Yeah, I know.
KittenPoo1974: You think I'm a skanky ho who would be a terrible wife and mother.
diavulu: Lali, we're not going down this road you and I.
KittenPoo1974: We don't have to, I already know what you think.
diavulu: I don't know if you'd be a terrible wife or mom, lali.
diavulu: No one does.
KittenPoo1974: But you have an opinion.
KittenPoo1974: It doesn't matter, I'm not getting married and I can't have kids anyway.
diavulu: Yes lali, we all have opinions.
diavulu: You have opinions of me, I have opinions of you, of my mother, of the rest of the world.
diavulu: Opinions are normal lali.
KittenPoo1974: Can I post this conversation?
diavulu: To the blogistani?
KittenPoo1974: yeah
diavulu: The whole thing?
diavulu: On your site?
KittenPoo1974: yes
diavulu: Hell, I look like an ass. But that's ok, go ahead.
diavulu: Don't forget to post this last line:
diavulu: Hello heather!
diavulu: There, done.

03:08 p.m.Wednesday, April 6, 2005
I had my first interview (over the phone) with Coach today. And it went WELL. I have a second interview with the IT Director on either Friday or Monday. Thank you all for your good vibes and prayers - keep 'em coming!!! They are looking to fill the position within 3 or 4 weeks, so, POTENTIALLY, I could be starting there in the middle of May. WOW - super exciting!!! I'll keep you posted.

Oh, and the recruiter I'm working with - SUPER COOL. Just so happens that his brother is a real estate agent, how convenient is that???

10:20 a.m.Tuesday, April 5, 2005
I made a new friend yesterday. His name is Casey. He works at this GREAT vegan restaurant, Native Foods, in Costa Mesa. Heather and I were in there for lunch, and he took our order. We, of course, were harassing him and being general pests. But, he was being a good sport. So, we invited him to the movies with us later in the evening. We saw Sin City – OMG what a FANTASTIC film! You should all run out to see it RIGHT NOW! Anyway, I digress. So, Casey saw the movie with us and we chatted a while before and after. I knew within 5 minutes that I was going to like this kid. He called me on the way home from the movie – and I chatted with him for almost another hour. He’s smart, funny and well spoken. AND, he paid me one of the greatest compliments that I have ever received. He told me that he has been working towards surrounding himself with people who will help him grow intellectually/spiritually/as a person. And then thanked me for being one of those people. *Tear* How sweet is that????

Last night we spoke of politics and morals and religion and cartoons. I could have talked with him for several more hours – but, reality caved in and we both realized that we had to work in the morning. I SO look forward to my next conversation with him, though. AND, get this, he’s moving to NYC before January – I’ll have someone I know out there I KNOW I can connect with! WOOOHOOOO!!!!! He’s going to go to discussion group with Heather, Curtis & I tomorrow night – that should be interesting, we’ll see how that goes. He’s quite smitten by my girl Heather, and it’s really cute to watch. Hours and hours of entertainment from this one – not only is he a doll, he’s easy on the eyes, he’s intelligent and humorous, and, seemingly, innocent. Oh, the delight I shall gain from this one!

In other news, I believe that this coming weekend is the last that I will have to work for this project. Let out a big – WOOHOOO for me! Things are going relatively well, and I’ll finally have my life back – AMEN and HALLELUJAH! But, for now, back to the grind!

03:44 p.m.Monday, April 4, 2005
PHEW! The project went live. It’s not completed yet, but my crazy days are through. I have put in more than 160 hours in the last week! Another couple weeks and things will be back to normal. So, an update: Well, I bought my ticket for Aaron’s wedding. I’m leaving 04/26 in the middle of the night. The day after the wedding , I’m off to NYC for 3 days – WOOHOOO! I just got a call today that I have an interview with Coach while I’m there – so keep your fingers crossed for me!!!

I got a new piercing – it’s called a Monroe – it was great on Saturday when I got it, but, by today, it’s swollen and red. Oh, well, just gotta wait out the healing process, I guess! I posted a few new pictures on my picture home page and the random page – check then out if you get a chance.

I’m SO excited about this whole New York thing – I can’t wait to just GET THERE! I put an ad out on CraigsList just soliciting general advice, etc, and I’ve gotten a lot of response. So, I’m making contacts in the area. Hopefully, it’ll be a semi-smooth transition. Okay, that’s all I’ve got to report for now, I promise more lengthy and consistent updates after this project is DONE! Ciao!

09:46 a.m.Monday, March 28, 2005
It's Jennifer's birthday today. A big one - she's 30. Things are really shitty between us, and I hate it. I don't know if she still reads this blog or not, but, if she does - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEN!!! I LOVE YOU!

03:57 p.m.Sunday, March 27, 2005
Happy Easter to my readers. He is risen, he is risen indeed. Made it to church this morning with Heather & Joel & Jacob, my parents joined us this morning that was a nice treat. Meeting up with the family at 5 - they decided that we should do SOMETHING together.

Happy Birthday, Heather!!! You have passed the quarter century mark - WOOHOO!

10:47 a.m.Friday, March 25, 2005
Happy Birthday, Otis!!! My baby is one year old today. He's over at my parents' house today having a birthday play date with Penelope. *Tear* My little boy is growing up so fast!

08:27 a.m.Thursday, March 24, 2005
8:30 AM - and I've already been at work an hour, and I ALREADY want to go home!!! Another full day of boring training with the two-thumbed man on the agenda for the day. Fun for me.

On another note, I've decided to go completely vegetarian. Since surgery, I really haven't tollerated meat very well, and I don't like it much anyway, so I'm going for it. Tofu and soy beans and veggies - YUMMY. Okay, off to class - GAG.

06:15 p.m.Wednesday, March 23, 2005
My mom just called to tell me that the family isn't getting together for Easter. It's my first weekend off in forever, and it's a holiday - a family holiday at that - an no one is getting together to celebrate. Looks like it will be just me - me and Otis.

03:47 p.m.Wednesday, March 23, 2005
I am sitting in a training class learning about Oracle’s iDiscoverer reporting tool. It is intensely boring. I’m trying not to fall asleep, so, I though, how about a blog entry? One interesting thing to note: the instructor, a very nice Indian chap, has two thumbs on his left hand. It is incredibly distracting – especially considering the fact that he is quite animated and speaks with his hands. This project is just about killing me – but it’s almost over. Just about 3 more weeks, and I can finally breathe. A bright spot in this project is that I do get this weekend off. So, Easter with the family. YEAH!

Not much to update you on really, except this: I have finally decided to leave OC for good. I’m actively pursuing employment in the following three cities – NYC, Chicago & SF (in that order). I have a few good leads, but nothing concrete as of yet. I just can’t stand Southern California any more! I need out. I need color. I need diversity. I need excitement. I think if I stay here, I’ll kill myself.

Lali is here for the week – spring break. I picked him up at the airport. It was great to see him, but seeing him – in the flesh – totally fucked me up emotionally. I think I'll always be in love with him. How fucking pathetic am I? I'm in love with a man who can't say a good thing about me - who thinks I'm trash - and, futhermore, I agree with him. What the fuck. God damnit.

11:25 a.m.Friday, March 18, 2005
A co-worker passed on this fabulous quote to me today. Enjoy!

"There are few people in this country who are as out as I am. I have a husband, and I have a woman companion. There is an obsession with trying to define women by their sexuality. People don't know how to deal with you if they can't define your sexuality. I'm just perverse enough to like that."
-Patricia Ireland, past president of the National Organization for Women.

04:33 p.m.Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Okay, so I went to Vegas last weekend for Karrie's bachellorette party. Drank too much, danced til my feet hurt and didn't sleep NEAR enough! I put up some pictures -
Vegas - and YES, there are some stripper photos. I mean, what's a bachellorette party in Vegas without strippers???

11:53 a.m.Tuesday, March 15, 2005
I crashed the Xterra. It’s in really bad shape. I was driving down Bristol to go pick up Kellie for our drive to Vegas, when some ASSHOLE pulled in front of me and then slammed on his brakes at a yellow light. I hit him. Otis was in the car with me and went flying – he’s okay though. I’m alright, other than some slight bruising and soreness. But the care is thrashed. The insurance company is coming out to look at it today and they’re going to tell me what’s up. Of course, this is exactly what I needed in my life right now.

I did get a rental car, though – a Dodge Neon. It’s SMALL comparatively. But, at least I don’t have to pay for it – the insurance company is picking up the tab. It’s Tuesday. I don’t see my massage therapist until Thursday – it is likely that I may die before then of body discomfort. Cest la vie.

I did end up going to Vegas. Kellie rented a car and we drove. I’ll blog on it a little later – things are crazy at work, gotta get back to it!

12:28 p.m.Friday, March 11, 2005
I took an interesting personality test today - frighteningly accurate.

Main Type
Overall Self
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Enneagram Test Results
Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Type 3 Image Focus |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Type 4 Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 46%
Type 5 Detachment || 10%
Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||| 46%
Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||||| 62%
Your main type is 2
Your variant is sexual
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

02:49 p.m.Thursday, March 10, 2005
I stumbled upon
this blog today while browsing pitas. It’s actually much more than a blog; she has several pages of pictures and poetry and prose and ponderings. I highly recommend it, as it is a great read. And, perhaps it’s just me, but, on many levels, I can totally relate.

03:55 p.m.Tuesday, March 8, 2005
Apparently, some of the people at work – the ones who have nothing better to do with their time except think about my life and what I am or am not doing – think that I am a dirty lesbian. Heather and I walked in from the parking lot hand in hand after lunch – as we often do, being that we’re close friends. Apparently, we’ve not done that at work before. You would have thought that the world was coming to an end! “What is going on with them??? Are they lesbians??? I can’t believe they’re holding hands!!!” You would have though that I’d gone down on her in the courtyard or something. Why are people so small-minded? When did it become “not okay” for two friends to be mildly affectionate with each other? I mean, what would they say if they saw us kiss each other on the cheek – as I do with all my friends in greeting or leaving one another – that would certainly have sealed my lesbianic fate! I think that people should mind their own fucking business. Or, if they want to think something about me – go ahead, just don’t complain about it to people who know me. Think I’m a lesbian? Fine, go for it. I’ve known some fine lesbians – I’d be in good company, were I a lesbian. FURTHERMORE – when you’re working me 18 hours a day, 7 days a week, do you expect me NOT to become close with my co-workers? You know, the saving grace on this incredibly difficult project is that most of the people involved are great. The consultants are all fantastic, and the project manager rocks. Were it not for the kick ass people with whom I’m spending these countless hours, I think I would have lost my mind weeks ago.

Something to note, I will not be working this weekend as I will be in Vegas with Karrie for her bachelorette party – WOOOOHOOOOO!!!! I’m sure it will be a BLAST. I’m going to have to borrow my mom’s digital camera so I can get a load of pictures and post them when I get back. Okay, back to the grind!

04:01 p.m.Wednesday, March 2, 2005
I think I MAY leave the office at 5:00 tonight! Granted, I'll take work home and probably be online all night - but still! Leaving at 5!!!! Fantastic. The occassion is this: I DESPERATELY need to get my nails done as it has been 3 weeks since I last saw my gal. So, to make it there in time, I have to leave the office - novel idea, I know. Then, home for some marathon laundry and some more work. A bunch of us on the project are going to Tentation tomorrow night - that should be BIG FUN. YEAH - blow off some steam, get a little alcohol....

11:10 p.m.Tuesday, March 1, 2005
I have such great friends. This week has been CRAZY – and it’s only Tuesday. I’ve been working SO much. I worked on Sunday from 9AM until midnight, yesterday was no different – oh yeah, except I started at 8. Today, though I left the office at 7:30 with Curtis – who bought me dinner and gave me a massage – for like 2 hours! I am SO relaxed right now. I was stressed out about work and freaking out about Lali, but now I’m completely at peace. Do I have great friends or what???

08:11 a.m.Friday, February 25, 2005
I didn't go to Michigan.

Thursday morning (yesterday), I woke up with a 103 degree temperature, and I couldn't breathe. In light of that I decided that getting on a plane wasn't the wisest thing to do. So, I cancelled my flight - well, postponed it - cost me $25 to make it an open ticket usable in the next year. So, I'll probably just use that ticket to go out to Michigan for the wedding.

I'm really bummed, but I think I would have just gotten more sick if I had gone. So, instead of wedding stuff this weekend, I will stay in bed and try to get un-sick!

Curtis brought me medicine last night - medicine, sugar-free cough drops and a huge bottle of water. I am loved! I think he and Heather are going to come see me tonight and keep me company for a while, too. Hmmmm, maybe getting sick is a good thing. This will be the first weekend in I don't know how long that I truly have nothing planned and no obligations.......Maybe God's trying to tell me something.

02:01 p.m.Wednesday, February 23, 2005
I have been SO incredibly busy! I’ve been working 12 hour days – worked the whole weekend – and now I’m getting sick! Damnit all to hell! I woke up with a raging sore throat and chest congestion – isn’t that just how it goes? Well, I’m off to Michigan tomorrow for 4 days for Karrie’s wedding shower – with my mom. Four whole days with my mom. I don’t know exactly how I feel about that. No alcohol for one thing…….hmmmm, oh well, such is life. Okay, back to work!

12:55 p.m.Thursday, February 17, 2005
Yesterday sucked. Plain and simple, Wednesday took an emotional shit on me. So, here’s what happened: On Tuesday, I saw a picture of Lali kissing this new girl that he’s seeing. I asked for it, specifically. I thought I could handle it. Yeah, I SO can not handle seeing that. So, I thought about the picture all Tuesday night. It was a sweet and innocent kiss, and their faces looked so pure. And I can tell – he’s going to fall in love with her. See, I have no problem with him fucking some girl – that doesn’t bother me. But, if he loves someone else, that kills me. I’m crazy. I know we’re not together and we’re not going to be together – for reasons that are clear to both of us. I just don’t want him to love anyone else. Yes, I’m a selfish bitch. So, I started feeling lonely yesterday. Of course, as much as I hate to admit it – I’m a girl.

So, while I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself, what should pop into my inbox but a LONG email from Jennifer. The basic message was that I don’t make time for her and her kids and that our friendship is redefined, etc. Yeah, I feel like shit. She’s right. And a lot of what she said is true. But I wish that she would just see me for who I am and not want to change me. But I guess that’s going around. And, if so many people want to change me, maybe I’m the one with the problem. Maybe I really am fucked up in the head. Who fucking knows. I just know that she’s hurt, and it’s my fault. I know how much she loves me, and I understand that her motives for saying things to me is because she cares about me – but I can’t help feeling that she just wants me to change.

So, I talked with Heather and Curtis about this cause I was kinda (okay, MORE than kinda) upset. And, this is part of Heather’s response to me:

“I know that what she is saying comes from her heart, but at the same time, she is judging your life based on her own experiences, which isn’t exactly objective. Her perception comes from definitions of herself, and she can’t look beyond her own personal location to even attempt to see others as they are, with their own perceptions and experiences. Just know that I love you, Jacob loves you, and, as far as I know, everyone else does, too. And our love doesn’t come with a desire to trap you in a veal pen so that you might one day become who we think you should be. I can see you and appreciate you without putting on glasses.”

Okay, so, at that point, I pretty much started crying at my desk. I so needed to hear what she had to say to me – and after all the emotions I had been going through, I was just SO moved that she would say that to me. I’m lucky – people love me. They love me enough to kick my ass when they think I’m wrong, and they love me enough to just stand by me and tell me that they love me no matter what. So, pretty much right after that, Curtis gave me some love, too! Check out this instant message exchange between the two of us:

CurtisAtExperian: I think anyone who realizes how different and special you are can understand that changing you to be what we want isn't really loving you.
KittenPoo1974: I love you, Curtis - you're wonderful!
CurtisAtExperian: It's interesting to see how you regard the people you care about.
KittenPoo1974: What do you mean?
CurtisAtExperian: Well, with her and Parwaiz, you love them. So no matter how much you want to, you can't just tell them to fuck off. And I think what they say and think has more of an impact on you than they think... Just not they kind of impact they're looking for.
KittenPoo1974: I suppose. You're right though - I can't say, FUCK OFF - I love them.
CurtisAtExperian: I guess I would feel the same and that's probably why I [don’t tell much of my life] to many of my friends and family.
KittenPoo1974: Yeah, I'd rather they were ignorant of who I am than hurt them
CurtisAtExperian: Yea... hell, that's why I spent my teens trying to be the son my parents and grandparents wanted me to be.
KittenPoo1974: I know. That's half the reason I got married. Cause I was supposed to.
KittenPoo1974: And I know that's why I was so repressed for a while after I left my husband - the thing is, I used to think I was "bad' for the things I liked and did. But I don't think that anymore - it's who I am.

But, even with all that love flowing, I was still depressed as shit last night. Between Lali and Jennifer, I really question myself sometimes. Am I deviant? Am I fucked up? A bad friend? Is there something really wrong with me? Probably yes and all of the above. I think I just want to go back to being six years old when things were simple.

Lali told me last night that he wants me to find a good, Christian man and get married. That is SO not going to happen. And, I’ll tell you why – illustrated by an excerpt from Jennifer’s email to me:
“…What I want is for you to be happy, alone and with yourself first, and then to find a man who actually loves you, respects you, and treats you well. I don't care much if he's white, black, or purple, or if he plays football or shuffleboard. Just a good man who's good to you. You, of course, believe you don't deserve that, and further that it doesn't exist. So, you choose to surround yourself with people who are either incapable or unwilling to truly love you. It makes it "safe" for you. If you don't put your feelings on the line, then they can't get hurt.”

She’s absolutely right. It’s part of my pathology that I seek out impossible relationships. It’s all tied to my worth issues. That I don’t think I’m worth a good man – or some shit like that. Maybe they’re both right, though. Maybe I should just find a dull, Christian boy and marry him. Set up a cookie-cutter, Orange County life. Get a couple cars, a couple kids, a white picket fence – oh yeah, and kill myself by the time I’m forty. I can’t have that life. I can’t be that person – although it would probably bring a lot of peacefulness to my relationships. But, then I wouldn’t be true to myself. But, then again, who the fuck am I? God, do I need my head shrunk or what?

09:36 a.m.Monday, February 14, 2005
Happy V-Day, everyone! Today is the day that commercialism milks us for cards and candy and flowers and such in our attempt to prove our devotion to the ones we love. GAG. Okay, so maybe it’s not that bad, but I’m anti this year. Though I do have a fabulous theme shirt on – it’s black (of course) and it says LOVE in red letters – the “O” in love is a heart. So, see, I’m not completely disgusted by the holiday. Anyway, to all you lovers out there – have a wonderful, sappy love day.

01:49 p.m.Tuesday, February 8, 2005
I got this email today, my results were a little surprising to me. So, I thought I’d share them with you.


Just 4 questions and the answers will surprise you.

Be honest and do not cheat by looking up the answers.The mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is opened. This is fun to do, but you have to follow the instructions very closely. Do not cheat.


Don't look ahead. Get pencil and paper to write your answers as you go along. You will need it at the end. This is an honest questionnaire which will tell you a lot about your true self. Give an answer for each item. The first thing that comes to mind is usually your best answer. Remember - no one sees this but you.

(1) Put the following 5 animals in the order of your preference: Cow, Tiger, Sheep, Horse, Pig.

(2) Write one word that describes each one of the following: Dog, Cat, Rat, Coffee, Sea.

(3) Think of someone, who also knows you and is important to you, which you can relate them to the following colors. Do not repeat your answer twice. Name just one person for each color: Yellow, Orange, Red, White, Green.

(4) Finally, write down your favorite number, and your favorite day of the week.

FINISHED? Please be sure that your answers are what you REALLY WANT. Look at the interpretations below: But first before continuing, REPEAT your wish.

(1) This will define your priorities in your life.
Cow Signifies CAREER
Tiger Signifies PRIDE
Sheep Signifies LOVE
Horse Signifies FAMILY
Pig Signifies MONEY

My answers were Tiger, Horse, Sheep, Cow, Pig

(2) Your description of dog implies your own personality. Your description of cat implies the personality of your partner. Your description of rat implies the personality of your enemies. Your description of coffee is how you interpret sex. Your description of the sea implies your own life.

My answers were:
Dog – Loyal
Cat – Sensual
Rat – Filthy
Coffee – Black
Sea – Beautiful

(3) Yellow: Someone you will never forget – My answer was Meagan
Orange: Someone you consider your true friend – My answer was Joel
Red: Someone that you really love – My answer was Lali
White: Your twin soul – My answer was Karyel
Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life – My answer was Miyano

4) You have to send this message to as many persons as your favorite number and your wish wil l come true on the day that you recorded.

So, there you have it, a little insight into my life. Anyway, I just thought it was really interesting. You all should try it.

04:42 p.m.Friday, January 28, 2005
Okay, I got it off of Quizilla, so it MUST be true!

You are independant and don't need a guy yet.

What kind of guy are you most attracted to? (CUTE anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

04:27 p.m.Friday, January 28, 2005
You are Bettie Page!
You're Bettie Page!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

10:45 a.m.Friday, January 28, 2005
Just a quick update for you all - my hard drive crashed on Monday night, so I haven't really had access to anything since then. I'm currently updating from a computer in the office's Oracle lab. I'm testing right now, but just wanted to leave a note so you all didn't think that I'd died! I should have my PC back today. Updating soon....

02:47 p.m.Thursday, January 20, 2005
My new favorite song from Maroon 5, “The Sun”

After school, Walking home, Fresh dirt under my fingernails
And I can smell hot asphalt, Cars screech to a halt to let me pass
And I cannot remember what life was like through photographs
Trying to recreate images life gives us from our past
And sometimes it's a sad song

But I cannot forget, Refuse to regret, So glad I met you
Take my breath away, Make everyday Worth all of the pain that I have gone through
And mama I've been cryin' cause things ain't how they used to be
She said the battle’s almost won, And we're only several miles from the sun

Moving on down my street, I see people I won't ever meet
Think of her, take a breath, Feel the beat in the rhythm of my steps
And sometimes it's a sad song

But I cannot forget, Refuse to regret, So glad I met you
Take my breath away, Make everyday Worth all of the pain that I have gone through
And mama I've been cryin' cause things ain't how they used to be
She said the battle’s almost won, And we're only several miles from the sun

The rhythm of her conversation
The perfection of her creation
The sex she slipped into my coffee
The way she felt when she first saw me
Hate to love and love to hate her
Like a broken record player
Back and forth and here and gone
And on and on and on and on

03:00 p.m.Monday, January 17, 2005
I talked to Lali today. At first I was really hesitant and a little confused. I was cautious. But, I think things are okay between us now. I know he still loves me - despite what he's said and done in the recent months. And, he knows tht I love him too - and always will. Which is very important to me - I needed to know that he believes I still love him.

He's trying to convince me that I'm going to fall in love again. Regardless of what I say - he's convinced that I'm destined for relational bliss. However, what I know about myself is that my life will never be at peace - it is my pennance to be in constant tourmoil relationally. Because of this, I've made the conscious decision to not fall in love. To run from it if it approaches. Relationships are great until they end. So, in avoidance of intense pain - I swear off love. I have friends, all I need is people who care and a little affection. As I've said before - Love is overrated.

09:30 p.m.Sunday, January 16, 2005
I'm flying back from Chicago as I write this - on a piece of packing paper actually that was protecting a souvenier. I just had the overwhelming need to put my thoughts down. Chicago was a blast! Moe and his family are excellent hosts. Going there I was not sure what to expect from his mother or sister - I was a little apprehensive. I needn't have been. Spending the weekend with this family, I was struck so powerfully by the similarities between Christian households and Muslim households. Moe's sister, Erum, has a life that closely parallells my own in circumstance. We are the same age, both divorced, bot a disappointment in our religiousity to our mothers. Sitting with them discussing religion and hearing statements and arguements and comments from their mother, I could have been at my own parents' home having the exact conversation - substituting Christian for Muslim and Jesus for Allah. Though I know what I believe, I can't help thinking that all these people can't be wrong. So much of what is in the Qu'ran is in line with teh Bible. Can it be that we (all the believers in the God of Abraham) have missed the message??? It has been said in so many ways and we still don't get it. Like I've said for a while, pergaps the TRUE religion lies somewhere in the midst of the faiths fathered by Abraham.

Anyway, I don't want to rattle off about religion all night. Moe's daughter, Almira, is the sweetest, most well-behaved child I have ever known. I swear, I fell in love with her immediately! His nephew, Arib, is equally as charming, though I do not envy his mother his teenage years. Moe's mother is a sweet-spirited woman who was constantly concerned with me eating - beautiful woman, very motherly and precious. Today I got to meet Moe's brother, Gebran, also a wonderful person. EXTREMELY focused and together for being just 20 years old. The family dynamic was amazing to watch. It was SO obvious how much these people love each other. They are truly more concerned for the well-being of the other than themselves. The more I learn about it, the more in love I am with Eastern culture.

DAMN - Chicago is COLD!!! For the most part we were indoors, but for the time that we weren't, I was sure that I was going to die of frostbite! Friday night we went to this cool club called Sound Bar. It had a few different rooms with different music - lots of hip-hop and trance. I danced all night and drank A LOT! And, a super ego boost for me - the bartender picked up my drinks all night. Didn't let me or Moe pay for even ONE! Yes, ladies & gents, I'm hot. Apparently, the Chicago boys like the biggins...last night we went to a Cuban club with some of Moe's other friends, really great live music. The city itself is amazing. If it wasn't so damn cold, I might even consider moving there - it's like NY, but not as fast; like SF, but not as crowded; like LA but not as superficial.

So, excellent trip - I can't wait til they come out here so I can show them around "my hood." I took some pictures and posted them on my picture site - click the link in the left margin to see them.

I'm not really sure why, but I'm feeling REALLY melancholly. If I hadn't started writing I was going to cry. I had a fantastic weekend, so why am I feeling weird? Maybe cause I'm on a plane with nothing to do but be alone with my thoughts? I miss my brother, he's on my mind. Maybe seeing Moe & Erum & Gebran together set my mind to sibling relationships. Whatever it is, I don'[t want to be sad or depressed or anything. I don't want to think. I know that's why I'm keeping myself so busy. I should really stop and wrap my head around my current mental state. But denial is SO much easier!

Speaking of being busy, this coming weekend will be nuts! Karyel is coming in on Friday - having dinner with her and Megan - and Walter is joining us - that'll be interesting - I'll be sure to blog about that! After that Megan and I are going to some club in LA as VIPs - should be fun. Saturday is massage, some work on my Koi tattoo, then Megan's birthday celebration - again in LA. sunday is looking pretty bare at this point - but I've got a whole week to find something to fill that day. It seems lately that work is just something to fill the space between weekends - ever feel like that? Anyway, I'm done, we're landing in a few minutes. More to come - check back soon.

11:35 a.m.Wednesday, January 12, 2005
I haven’t really updated too much lately – things have been SO busy! But, I’ll do my best to bring you up to speed on my life – quickly, of course, because time is short these days. Well, let’s see….Christmas was fine, weird without my brother. I can’t think about it too much or I start to cry – I’m sure my shrink will beat that one to death soon enough.

Though Christmas was a bomb, New Year’s was a blast! If you’re keeping up on my picture pages then you saw photos of the event. I spent that holiday with my Uncle Howard and his wife (I refuse to call her my aunt because she’s only a few years older than me) and a bunch of their friends. We went “bar-hopping” in this armpit town called Fallbrook. (To give you an idea of this town, the leader of the KKK lives here – so, yeah, LOTS of inbreeding and white faces.) But, I digress – so, we all got sufficiently fucked up and came back to my uncle’s pad and passed out. However, I have learned, a nice little side effect of my surgery is that my body metabolizes alcohol REALLY fast – so, no hangover for me!!!

As you may have seen, I finally got my arm tattooed – that looks AWESOME! And, just this past weekend, I started a piece on my leg – a Koi fish that goes from my ankle to about half way up my calf, around the front of my shin – pictures to come soon. That will be colored and finished in the next couple of weeks.

I see my surgeon tomorrow for my 4 month check-up. At last count (about a week ago) my total weight loss was at 75 pounds – wow! And, I can finally shop at regular stores – OLD NAVY – holy crap! I haven’t been this thin since High School – well, okay, a couple years after High School, but it’s been like 10 years! And I’ve had to totally recycle my closet in the last 2 weeks – been doing a lot of shopping. Always fun.

So, it’s Wednesday, and I’m leaving to visit my Pakistani friends in Chicago on Friday. Tonight, I’m going to make a trek out to Little India in Artesia to try and find some sort of “thank you for letting me stay on your couch and feeding me” gift for their mom. Luckily, one of my Indian friends is going with me to help me out – I’ve gotten feedback from some other Pakistanis that I know, so I THINK I know what I’m looking for – but it always helps to have someone along who understands the culture better than I.

Speaking of travel, this year is going to be a travel year for me! This month, visiting friends in Chicago. Next month is Karrie’s bridal shower – so I’ll be in Michigan. March is Karrie’s bachelorette party – in Vegas – YES! April is Aaron and Karrie’s wedding – back to Michigan. After that I’ve got a bit of a break, but I’m thinking about taking a big trip in October. I’m still trying to decide between two destinations – India or South America. I’ve got friends from both areas, so I’d have built in tour-guides for both trips – just need to figure out which one will work out better. And, lastly, I’m shooting for early December, but I don’t know if I’ll make it – I’m DYING to go visit Micki & Travis in New Zealand! I’ve gotten pictures from them and emails – can’t wait to see them.

So, faithful readers, a quick update on my life. That’s the scoop! I’ll post again after I get back from Chicago with another update. Ciao!

03:18 p.m.Thursday, January 6, 2005
"...Ginger is always sincere, just not to one man. She called me up and she said, you know that I'm drowning....and now I speak to you. Are you in there? You have her face and her eyes, but you are not her...if you know me so well then tell me which hand I use...But I believe in peace. I believe in peace, Bitch...I don't believe I went too far. I said I was willing. She said she knew what my books did not..."

11:39 a.m.Wednesday, December 29, 2004
I've been listening to this for days.....Burning Bright by Shinedown
I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without a reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider, my hesitation

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I'll express, my situation

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I cross the lines its not easy to define
I'm born to indecision
There's always something new
some path I'm supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason

08:52 a.m.Saturday, December 25, 2004
Merry Christmas, everyone. May God bless you and keep you safe this holiday season.

04:07 p.m.Wednesday, December 22, 2004
My tattoo is peeling – BAD. But, it’s almost completely healed – which is amazing considering that it’s only a few days old. Roselynn took pictures, but I won’t have them for a couple of days – I promise to post, though.

I’m going to Hollywood tonight to see Karen’s husband’s band play – I’m going to be SO dead tomorrow. The show is at 11 PM. I must be crazy. But, I think it will still be fun. Been listening to Tori Amos all day, so I’m a little moody…..tomorrow is the last work day before a 4 day weekend. Unfortunately, folks, not much to report.

01:52 p.m.Tuesday, December 21, 2004
"...I know you think that you're safe mister.
Harmless deception that keeps love at bay.
It's the ones who resist that we most want to kiss, wouldn't you say?
Cowboys and angels, they all have the time for you.
Why should I imagine that I'd be a find for you?
Why should I imagine that I'd have something to say?..."

11:57 a.m.Monday, December 20, 2004
The weekend was full – VERY full – and it’s Monday morning, and I’m damn exhausted. I need a weekend to recover from my weekend! The definite high point of the weekend was Saturday. I went over to JP’s house at 2:00 to get started. He started working on me around 2:15 – took a couple of breaks, maybe an hour or so total. Didn’t finish until 10:00 PM – I have the most bitchin tattoo. Seriously, this thing is a fucking work of art!!! I’m going to try and take some pictures today and post them so you all can see the amazing work this guy does. DAMN – he’s good. I endured, too – I thought I might crack, but I made it – no whining. NOTHING.

I stayed after a while and relaxed while my body was adjusting to the major trauma through which I had just put it and watched this guy get a tattoo on the front of his throat. He looked MAJORLY uncomfortable. But, he’s hot, so I didn’t mind watching him – you know I can’t resist those tattoo’d boys.

So, this is a four day week, I’m getting a massage tonight and chilling out most of the week. Might take a trip to the Viper room on Wednesday to see Karen’s husband’s band play on Wednesday – otherwise, I’m mellow. Feeling pretty okay – reasonably peaceful. Life is alright today.

10:53 a.m.Monday, December 20, 2004
"...cowboys and angels they all take a shine to you. Why should I imagine that I was designed for you? Why should I believe that you would stay?...That scar on your face, that beautiful face of yours. Don't you think that I know they hurt you before?..."

03:51 p.m.Friday, December 17, 2004
This weekend is going to be a WHOPPER! I’m going to be SO busy – but, busy it good, right? If you’re busy you can’t think about how shitty your life gets sometimes. So, what’s on the agenda? Hosting a cocktail party tonight for some of my girlfriends – should be a blast! We’re having it in a hotel so as not to disturb the roommates. Tomorrow is the big day, though – I’m getting a new tattoo – well, a cover-up. I’m so excited I might pee myself!!! The artist said that it’s about 7 hours of work, which means that I’m going to be there a LONG time – but I’ll come away with a KICK ASS tattoo! After that, going into LA for some fun with friends, church on Sunday – THEN a friend of mine from France is visiting, so dinner on Sunday. WOW – full weekend! Somewhere in there I have to find time to pick up a white elephant gift for the HR breakfast on Monday – crazy, crazy – where does the time go????

01:54 p.m.Tuesday, December 14, 2004
I got a massage last night. I feel totally free and unencumbered. I cannot express how amazing this masseuse is. Just his very presence is calming. Most of you who know me realize that I’ve got major issues. One of those issues is touch – I (in KittenPoo’s world) am allowed to touch everyone, but no one is allowed to touch me unless I say it is okay.

Even in a therapeutic setting, I’m not totally comfortable with someone putting his or her hands on me. But, from the very first second of my first massage with this man, I was totally at ease. In fact, twice now, I’ve even let him massage my face! MY FACE! New readers may not be aware, but my face is TOTALLY off limits. I can count on less than both hands the number of people whom I have allowed to touch my face. It just doesn’t happen. Yet, I didn’t even hesitate to let him put his hands on my face. I have been struggling all day to come up with the right words to describe the feeling I get when I’m around him and having him work on me.

I figured it out - SAFE. I feel safe around him. I’m completely vulnerable, but safe. I can place no value on that – it’s priceless. I have not felt completely safe – without reservation at all – around a man since I was 5 years old. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m healed from all the bullshit and trauma in my life. And I’m certainly not delusional enough to think that this is some perfect man – I’m sure he’s got flaws – probably a lot of them. But, for the situation that we’ve got going – masseuse/client – I feel completely safe. Which is rare, hell, non-existent for me. I have NEVER been comfortable like that with a stranger’s hands on me – EVER. But, something about this man makes it okay.

I think he thinks I’m crazy. I can’t approach him in the same way I approach everyone else. I really would like to be his friend. But I think the jury’s still out in his head about me. And, unfortunately, I think he knows more about me than I know about him – DANGER, DANGER!!! Which means, of course, that I don’t have control over the interactions that we have – he does. Again – MAJOR WARNINGS – but, and maybe it’s age, I’m willing to risk it. I think that there’s a really amazing person that I would be totally privileged to know in him. Of course, it might start to get deep – and, of course, I’ll have to resist the urge to run away from him – anything on a level deeper than superficial is so scary to me (well, on that level with other people). I’ve already got my quota filled of people I can be real with. But, as I said before, I can not place a value on the security that I feel in his presence. It is completely beyond price.

Oh, here I go – getting all deep and emotional. Have I not learned yet??? In all my 30 years, have I not seen that things are never going to be right for me? I blew my chance years ago. There is something very wrong with me – I think, underneath all of the bravado and flirting and I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude, I really am a romantic, hopeless, but a romantic. Uggh, I’d better stop before I make myself sick.

09:26 a.m.Tuesday, December 14, 2004
"...he says that behind my eyes I'm hiding, and he tells me I pushed him away, that my heart's been hard to find...you came to make sure that I'm not running, well I ran from him in all kinds of ways,guess it was her turn this time...and I wonder if he's ok..."

10:39 a.m.Monday, December 13, 2004
I've got my picture pages back up - a few new photos. And, for those of you keeping track, I'm down almost 60 pounds.

09:31 a.m.Sunday, December 12, 2004
Yesterday was a busy day – and, by this morning, though it’s past 9:00 AM, I’m still exhausted. Reading through my last blog entry I find myself thinking that I SHOULD take back some of what I said – but, I can’t. Though I’m a bit more centered today, I still believe that it is all true.

Jennifer chided me on Friday – not knowing my worth, not caring about life anymore, etc etc etc. Yes, it’s all true – but unchangeable I fear. So, I met with an artist yesterday to see about getting the green mess on my arm covered with something that is actually worth looking at. He’s got great work – and he’s adorable, so that’s always a plus – I should see what he’s drawn up sometime this week and he’ll start on the work next Saturday. YES – three years I’ve been trying to get this covered! During this consultation, he and I had an interesting conversation about what things make life worth living – and decided that there are only a few. He laughed when I mentioned peacefulness and harmony. He thought that was a very “girl” thing to say. I don’t often think of myself as a typical girl, but maybe he was right. Who knows – I constantly vacillate between idealist and fatalist, I am a contradiction, an anomaly.

I have been putting effort into centering myself, however. This week was terrible for me. I cannot stand to be out of balance, to be disharmonious. And, with the filth that Lali spews regarding me, I feel in a constant state of disharmony. I’ve taken to meditation – I think it might be working. At least for short periods of time. I sit in my room with my candles and incense and clear my mind and only focus on the good things around me – which doesn’t come easy, by the way. But, I’m willing to try anything – if I am out of balance, I might as well not exist. A disharmonious life is a life not worth living.

Okay, what else…oh, yes, company Christmas party. It sucked. J and I (J being my brother’s best friend, whom I am not fucking – I swear, I WISH I was getting as much sex as Lali thinks I am. The fact of the matter is that I’m NOT getting laid, which may be adding to my stress level.) Anyway, J and I made our appearance and stayed for 2 hours. The party was boring, the people were boring, the food – well, I don’t eat, so it doesn’t matter about the food. But, I will say, that J & I were the most attractive people present. And, I looked SMOKIN hot last night – damn, I couldn’t keep my eyes off MYSELF! After we ditched the party, we went down to Café Ruba in Newport and watched all the AA graduates and little punker kids drink coffee.

I have to work today, as I neglected some of my duties this week – but, the joys of being a salaried employee is that you can work 24 hours a day. GAG.

I re-read Lali’s last posting about me. I know I shouldn’t. I know that I should pretend I never knew him and that his opinion doesn’t matter. But, the fact of the matter is that his opinion does matter – it matters supremely. And the fact that he thinks these wicked things about me is slowly eating my soul. The more I realize just how much he hates me, the more I die each day. Why should I care? What does it matter? He freaked out on me, right? We broke up, he started dating F and I dated other people – sounds normal, right? So, why do I feel rotten at the way he feels about me? I shouldn’t care. But I do. Maybe that speaks to MY state of mind. Maybe I allow the people I love to have too much control in my life. Maybe I’m a fucking lunatic and everyone should just stay the hell away from me. In fact, that sounds like a plan – take it from Lali, I’m bad news. All I’ll do is fuck up your chi. Oh, yes, another glorious Sunday – I’d better go meditate before I slice through an artery or two.

07:33 p.m.Thursday, December 9, 2004
Life is overrated. All the things that make it worth living are fleeting, yet people spend their entire lives chasing after them. What makes life worth anything? Love – what a fucking joke that is. No one really loves anyone anymore – because if they did, they would look past the wounds (real or imaginary) inflicted by the ones the claim to love. Happiness – doesn’t exist. For men, they glimpse happiness as they blow their load either alone or with someone of consequence or not. For women, the closest to happiness that they will ever achieve comes at a point when they THINK that they are in love – but we’ve already established that love is just horseshit. Money – without love or happiness what is money but a means to try and fill your life with stuff to fool yourself into thinking you don’t need or already have love and happiness. Bullshit. All of it. And I’m done with it. Enough people think they love me that Otis will at least end up well taken care of. So, with that, I bid you adieu. Don’t waste your time on life, cause it’s all just a fucking joke God played on us a long time ago.

01:34 p.m.Thursday, December 9, 2004
Thursday. I don’t like Thursdays. It seems like a teaser for Friday. But, Friday shall come soon enough. The company Christmas party is Saturday. Hmmmmm, how do I feel about this? A little melancholy, unfortunately. I attended this same party last year with a man with whom I was/am completely in love. But, alas, this year I am accompanied by J. Who, no doubt, will be fun – he looks good on my arm and he’ll dance with all of my friends. But, it’s the holidays – and it should be spent with people whom you love. This year, the holidays will be lonely for me – don’t get me wrong, I have my friends and my family, but no P. My Lali hates me, and I guess I just have to live with that. The small ray of light is that he’s happy this season. I hope F keeps him happy, cause I don’t want to have to kick her ass.

11:10 a.m.Wednesday, December 8, 2004
"...Does he tell you when you're sorry? Does he tell you when you're wrong?..."

10:06 a.m.Wednesday, December 8, 2004
"...the sex she slipped into my coffee..."

02:00 p.m.Tuesday, December 7, 2004
I just had lunch with an old friend. And, by old friend, I mean someone I haven’t seen in six years. We talked and caught up on everything going on in each other’s lives. Talked about old friends and people with whom we used to work. While we were talking, I realized, my life, though different, has not changed. Demographically, professionally, relationally, sure, there have been changes, but, I still make the same mistakes - especially where men are concerned. I pick the same type of man – over and over again, without fail. They may seem different on the surface, but they are all the same. They are all abusive, selfish egotists. They are all more concerned with themselves than anyone else or the greater good of the world. My friend commented on this as I recounted the last six years since we had seen each other.

So, though I resolve to do this, I doubt it will make any difference: I think from this point forward, I will seek out men who have no similarities to any man I have ever known. I will not date men who grew up in a single-parent home. I will not date men who have a low/less than positive opinion of women in general. I will not date men that can’t/won’t/don’t get along with my friends. The list can go on forever, but I’ll spare you. I just know that I have seen the pattern of abuse my whole life – why am I so fucking incapable of breaking this? Even the man I love more than life itself has plunged headlong – willingly – into this category. I used to think that unless a man physically hurt me, he was not abusive. However, I’ve learned that I would rather be struck – hard – and sustain much physical damage than hear abusive and hurtful words. How is it that someone who once loved you can intentionally hurt you? I don’t understand this. I can’t comprehend this concept. I never want to hurt anyone. I know that, unintentionally, people – people that I love – can be injured by me. But, to deliberately set out to injure another person???? A person for whom you felt love???? This I do not understand.

Whatever. On to more pleasant topics… To quote from an email to a friend of mine today, I’ve met a new person. I'm pretty smitten with him. He's unlike anyone I've ever known - and certainly unlike anyone I've ever dated. (Which, with my track record is probably a REALLY good thing.) He has this way about him that really puts me at ease…He's got such a gentle soul and spirit, he has this need to take care of people - but he wants to be taken care of, too. We've actually had some pretty real conversations - which, of course, is super scary to me. And he's so fucking sincere! Plus, his touch, purely platonic by the way, is very soothing to me. Okay, I'll stop gushing. GAG. Anyway, I’m not even dating this person, but I do like how I feel when I’m around him. He’s so gentle, so non-abrasive. And he genuinely cares about PEOPLE and being a person worth being around. Like I said, I don’t know anyone like him. It’s probably not even worth talking about – because girls like me never end up with the “good” guys – always the assholes. We’re fooled sometimes, some of the assholes try and pass themselves off as good guys. But, in the end, we end up alone or with the wrong guys. ::SIGH:: Story of my life.

09:18 a.m.Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Bravely I look further than I see
Knowing things I know I cannot be - not now
I'm so aware of where I am, but I don't know where that is
And there's something right in front of me

08:47 a.m.Monday, November 29, 2004
Well, if you're a regular reader, no doubt you've noticed some changes in my blog. Unfortunately, people are vindictive and like to act childishly. Yes, ladies & gents, my blog was hacked and cleared. I have managed to salvage some of it, and I should have it back to normal by the end of the week. I hope you all had a blessed Thanksgiving.

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